tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-199683492012-02-02T04:55:26.369-08:00A random collection of musings, humor and anything funny from all over the net.Dilnoreply@blogger.comBlogger3271100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-9842136067925619062009-09-06T10:11:00.000-07:002009-09-06T10:16:40.801-07:00

A guy took his new girlfriend to a bed and breakfast.The girlfriend casually mentions, "Yeah, my previous boyfriend is a well known guy.""Oh yeah? Who was the guy?""Tiger Woods.""Tiger Woods, the golfer?""Yeah."The couple make passionate love later in the day.When they are done, the guy gets up and walks to the telephone."What are you doing?" asks the girl.The guy says, "I'm hungry, I was going

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-21459076765494719452009-09-06T10:09:00.002-07:002009-09-06T10:10:47.306-07:00

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-90824701583061280592009-09-06T10:09:00.001-07:002009-09-06T10:09:24.312-07:00

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?What did the zero say to the eight?Nice belt!

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-36193013225879526832009-09-06T10:07:00.000-07:002009-09-06T10:08:50.295-07:00

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-59900665459430060582009-09-06T10:06:00.000-07:002009-09-06T10:07:28.363-07:00

What has 6 legs, 3 ears, 4 tusks, and 2 trunks?An elephant with spare partsWhere do you find most elephants ?Usually depends on where you left them...How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-47845812801015020632009-06-07T20:37:00.000-07:002009-06-07T20:38:42.124-07:00

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news."So, did you jump?" the father asked."Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-89428144290683222722007-07-14T19:54:00.000-07:002007-07-14T19:56:27.789-07:00

HER SIDE OF THE STORYHe was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-82623303137425261282007-07-14T19:52:00.000-07:002007-07-14T19:54:08.164-07:00

An older man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a ring and showed it to him.The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-61388247150286911172007-07-14T19:51:00.000-07:002007-07-14T19:52:37.705-07:00

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository.She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-31365606489128522742007-07-14T19:50:00.000-07:002007-07-14T19:51:04.220-07:00

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion..So I decided I needed a passionate girl..In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability..I found a very stable girl, but she was boring

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-77623532926744396422007-07-14T19:47:00.000-07:002009-09-06T10:00:26.169-07:00

In the beginning………..God created heaven and earth. Quickly, he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with a cease and desist order for the earthly part.Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked being

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-17813091961565026192007-07-14T19:42:00.000-07:002007-07-14T19:46:47.211-07:00

President Bush had a dream. He was visited by the ghosts of three great presidents.Upon Washington's visit, he asked him "What can I best do to serve my country."Washington replied "Never tell a lie!""Well it's a little late for that" Bush said.Jefferson came in next. He told him "Listen to the people!!"Bush shrugged "I don't know about that one either."He then asked Abraham Lincoln "How can I

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-77352785426806001292007-07-14T19:09:00.000-07:002007-07-14T19:42:27.405-07:00

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-29306808026691076372007-07-14T19:07:00.000-07:002007-07-14T19:08:32.817-07:00

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story."Well, I remember back in 1944, we went

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-91358551200547498632007-07-14T19:05:00.000-07:002007-07-14T19:06:50.113-07:00

Wal-Mart announced on January 3, 2007, that it will begin offering customers a new discount item - WAL-MART's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $1- $3 price range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts,

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-83005478737361002122007-07-14T19:00:00.000-07:002007-07-14T19:02:42.900-07:00

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-85150150254583453602007-07-14T18:55:00.000-07:002007-07-14T18:56:44.557-07:00

The other day, while I was talking with a friend, he asked mewhat I looked for in a woman. Naturally I replied, "Big breasts." He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."So I said, "Oh, seriously big breasts.""No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"He looked at me "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's breasts

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-39138597901592562192007-07-14T18:53:00.000-07:002007-07-14T18:55:04.350-07:00

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'Artie explained to the husband that his going price for

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-59635646983859620072007-07-14T18:51:00.000-07:002007-07-14T18:52:39.795-07:00

A guy entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a doublescotch on the rocks.After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then heordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket andordered another double scotch. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all nightlong. But you gotta tell me why you

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-90916525015978426882007-07-14T18:48:00.000-07:002007-07-14T18:50:39.637-07:00

The female reproductive organ. Synonyms include:copher, cunt, pussy, twat, cooter, beaver, fish lips, taco, camel toe, muff, snatch, fuck hole, garage, oven, love button, penis glove, cock sock, cock pocket, JJ, hoohah, bajingo, cum dumpster, sperm bottle, goop chute, slit, trim, quim, pooter, love rug, poontang, poonanie, cooch, tunnel of love, vertical bacon sandwich, bearded clam, cookie,

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-66184954991839737372007-07-14T18:47:00.000-07:002007-07-14T18:48:48.826-07:00

Bubba and his uncle Jed was hiking through the woods hunting some coons for dinner.Jed was walkin' kinder funny, so Bubba ax "why you walk like that?"Uncle Jed replied "I shit my pants, Bubba and it makes me walk like this.""Shouldn't you go on back to the outhouse and clean it off?""Maybe later," sez Jed, "but I hain't finished quite yet."

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-13267023181035100652007-07-14T18:44:00.000-07:002007-07-14T18:46:50.787-07:00

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?""Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes."Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down.""Just because he's cross-eyed!!!!?" the man shrieked.Vet thought for a moment and replied ... "No, because he's heavy,"

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-18532385984293184012007-07-14T18:43:00.001-07:002007-07-14T18:44:39.893-07:00

The Pope was finishing his sermon.He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini"(which means Blessed be Mankind).A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They complained that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini"(which means Blessed be Mankind and Womankind).The next day, a

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-36075471124814362132007-07-14T18:41:00.000-07:002007-07-14T18:42:20.341-07:00

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed."Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied."I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says."Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!""I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated."NO! Get away from me!""TWO

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-30967047442160691562007-07-14T18:39:00.000-07:002007-07-14T18:41:02.413-07:00

The vagina is a buggy, often catastrophically so, feature of the Female Edition of the Human Being version 1.0. After approximately 13 to 16 years of proper operation, the vagina becomes problematic and starts failing periodically (no pun intended) around once a month. This in turn leads to the corruption (often permanent) of the mental faculties of the host. Whenever this happens, the individual

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-87972738328191182092007-07-14T18:37:00.000-07:002007-07-14T18:38:33.401-07:00

Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.After an examination, the doctor mixed a

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-65206455555621801712007-07-14T18:30:00.000-07:002007-07-14T18:37:15.683-07:00

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-55464457061208730522007-05-08T15:33:00.000-07:002007-05-08T15:34:30.153-07:00

Best cookies EVER!1 cup of water1 tsp baking soda1 cup of sugar1 tsp salt1 cup of brown sugarLemon juice4 large eggs1 cup nuts2 cups of dried fruit1 bottle Don Julio Blanco TequilaSample the Don Julio to check qualityTake a large bowl, check the Don Julio again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-29122579088835633112007-05-08T15:25:00.000-07:002007-05-08T15:32:46.701-07:00

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-72457962799324661152007-05-08T15:22:00.000-07:002007-05-08T15:24:56.647-07:00

An old man and woman, after flirting with each other for years, agree to make love. One day when all the other residents are on a day out, the old man impatiently rushes to the old dear's room.Nervously, he asks her if there is anything that she prefers. She replies that she quite enjoys a bit of cunnilingus.With a big grin, the old guy goes south. However, after a few seconds, the man pops back

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-17399381832392770752007-02-24T22:39:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:41:41.607-08:00

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve."So, how is everything going?" inquired God."It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-88870200448501396472007-02-24T22:37:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:38:56.899-08:00

A newlywed couple arrive at their honeymoon suite and prepare to have sex for the first time. As they start to settle under the covers, she tells her husband, "I've got a confession. I was dating Tiger Wood before you."Her husband is surprised by this response but tells her, "Well it's 2003, that's not unusual for you to have dated someone."So they make love for the first time and when they

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-21294709845565737492007-02-24T22:35:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:36:52.375-08:00

[I doubt you will get any of these wrong, but have fun reading!]Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.Let's find out just how clever you really are.Ready? GO!!!First Question:You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.What position are you in?Answer: If you answered that

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-70959703559975909522007-02-24T22:33:00.001-08:002007-02-24T22:35:31.381-08:00

To: All EmployeesFrom: ManagementAs a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future.Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-87523960860240882232007-02-24T22:33:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:34:30.276-08:00

To: All EmployeesFrom: ManagementAs a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future.Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-45650703164437415562007-02-24T22:30:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:31:35.085-08:00

A Tennessee Mountain Woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home, she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-16219222472736728622007-02-24T22:26:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:29:39.333-08:00

An E-flat, a C, and a G go into a bar.The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-10604492349671943092007-02-24T22:20:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:25:27.238-08:00

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.2.SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement b y kissing up to the boss rather than working hard .4.SALMON DAY: The experience of

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-58313620762912605732007-02-24T22:18:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:20:16.447-08:00

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-69508232340796979032007-02-24T22:15:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:17:21.396-08:00

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion."Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-17758167691460503432007-02-24T22:12:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:14:08.980-08:00

During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany andwas captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so theGerman doctor amputated his arm. The pilot requested that theydrop his arm over his base in England. The Germans, in a raredisplay of respect, did.Then next week they amputated his other arm and he asked forthe same thing. Again, the Germans complied.The week after that they amputated

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-65004281213684389922007-02-24T22:09:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:11:23.835-08:00

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan."What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager."I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach.""I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.The same bank manager said,

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-16374387587493389722007-02-24T22:07:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:09:13.554-08:00

In Mexico the guys often have a main wife and a second one and they supposedly don't know about each other. The Senora is mad at her ole' man and says, "Don't think I don't know about your other wife in the little house?""Whatcha talkin' bout? This the little house." he answers.

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-63724613135510136792007-02-24T22:06:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:07:40.559-08:00

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-45236320321817345552007-02-24T22:04:00.000-08:002007-02-24T22:06:39.117-08:00

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.The CEO said with a worried expression, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?""Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig. He turned the

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-24418875633902486422007-01-02T23:16:00.000-08:002007-01-02T23:19:26.614-08:00

A guy is driving his truck down the road one day, and he sees a cowboy waving him down on the side of the road. As he pulls up to him, the cowboy pulls out a huge gun, points it at him, and yells "Get out of the car right now!" Scared out of his wits, the driver gets out of the car where the cowboy leads him off the road a bit. The cowboy, still frantically pointing the gun at him, yells "I want

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-50382750025680270662007-01-02T23:15:00.000-08:002007-01-02T23:16:12.132-08:00

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they had sex. Pinocchio therefore went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"Pinocchio replied,

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-78438058818905291362007-01-02T23:12:00.000-08:002007-01-02T23:14:26.079-08:00

Now as I lay down to go to sleep,I pray for a man who's not a creep.One who's handsome, smart and strong,One whose thingy is thick and long!One who thinks before he speaks,When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.I pray that he is gainfully employed,And when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.Pulls out my chair & opens the door,Massages my back & begs to do more.Oh! Send me a man who will

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-68143827261595272672006-12-13T16:40:00.000-08:002006-12-13T17:37:05.096-08:00

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing!The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up."No, no," he said, "that wasn't

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-48565404346263414502006-12-13T16:36:00.000-08:002006-12-13T16:40:39.554-08:00

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-21726476678149640852006-12-13T16:33:00.000-08:002006-12-13T16:36:23.202-08:00

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners ! Come in. Come into my humble shop !" So the married couple walked in.The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-82619233008849621992006-11-25T14:13:00.000-08:002006-11-25T14:20:57.163-08:00

It was thanksgiving and people were coming over. Little Johnny's dad was cooking and found he needed a quick trip to convenience store.Little Johnny saw two ladies bumped into one another in front of them. The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch!" yelled the one lady.Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You hag!"Little Johnny, never heard those

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-60334379638564068822006-11-24T10:02:00.000-08:002006-11-24T10:03:02.170-08:00

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked, "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"The jump instructor answered, "The rest of your life."

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-44692755308290006282006-11-24T10:00:00.000-08:002006-11-24T10:01:51.049-08:00

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra.The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose."Why not?" asked the man."Because it's not safe," replied the doctor."But I need it really bad," said the man."Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife willbe here on Saturday. My wife is

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-21926393031128410412006-11-24T09:59:00.000-08:002006-11-24T10:00:30.400-08:00

Two queers were taking a shower with each other. The phone rings and Lance says to Rod, "I will be right back darling, so don't start without me!"After a minute or so Lance comes back, and sees sperm splattered all over the shower wall."I thought I told you not to start without me!" he squealed."Oh, just relax!" replied Rod, "I didn't start without you, I just farted!"

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-71071443602717135962006-11-24T09:57:00.000-08:002006-11-24T09:59:22.973-08:00

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?""No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-34220020297030397012006-11-24T09:55:00.000-08:002006-11-24T09:56:53.687-08:00

Two queers were visiting the zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain himself the first queer reaches inside the cage to touch the huge cock. As soon as arm goes into the cage the gorilla grabs him, takes him into the cage, slams him on the floor and fucks him senseless.A few days later in hospital the first queer's

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-25333679204102493822006-11-24T09:54:00.001-08:002006-11-24T09:54:56.133-08:00

Socrates is pacing back and forth in his jail cell.A servant comes to the cell with a cup full of hemlock and gives it to Socrates. He takes it, sits back and relaxes for a minute and drinks it up, then he looks at the servant and asks,"So, what's the verdict?".

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-67698877807911792342006-11-24T09:52:00.000-08:002006-11-24T09:53:53.480-08:00

JESUS came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death. Jesus said: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.”An old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The young lady collapsed dead.Jesus looked over

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-27882685751364597872006-11-24T09:51:00.000-08:002006-11-24T09:52:09.844-08:00

"IT'S A GUY THING"Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?""UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"Translated: "I have no idea how it works.""I WAS

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-84736148217282147102006-11-24T09:49:00.000-08:002006-11-24T09:50:43.438-08:00

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.... without you in it.DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?We haven't had a fight in a while.NO, PIZZA'S FINE.... you cheap slob!I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?I can't believe you have

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-80169606194058468642006-11-24T09:47:00.000-08:002006-11-24T09:48:17.712-08:00

Strong woman - Bitch with a severe case of self-entitlement.Classy - Bitchy 45 year-old real estate agent type.Seeking gentleman - Looking for rich guy who isn't interested in sex.World traveler - would love to go to Europe as long as you're buying.Intelligent - She isn't but thinks she is, and you'd better entertain her.Rubenesque - FatSarcastic - Bought into the whole Gen X irony thing and is

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-67300312219085013282006-11-24T09:43:00.000-08:002006-11-24T09:46:53.974-08:00

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.(Like THAT makes sense.)*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-36463091522589711622006-11-24T09:40:00.000-08:002006-11-24T09:42:01.989-08:00

Mr. Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:- has to work hard- has to work at great depths- has to work upside down- has no ventilation or air conditioned work environment- has to work in a high humidity environment- has to work at high temperatures- does not get weekends and holidays off- does not get time off after extra hours of work- has a hazardous work environment

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-42321036619237206142006-11-24T09:37:00.000-08:002006-11-24T09:39:53.337-08:00

Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding meet with their Mullah for counseling.The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together.""Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-17887814593518877772006-11-24T09:33:00.000-08:002006-11-24T09:37:05.573-08:00

Every Friday afternoon, a theoretical physicist goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the physicist makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space,

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-72650067348714687312006-11-24T09:31:00.000-08:002006-11-24T09:33:05.320-08:00

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes."I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"He returns her gaze. "Anything??""Yes,.. Anything!" She says.His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-61535127404322744902006-11-24T09:28:00.000-08:002006-11-24T09:31:05.870-08:00

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,When you said you had 10 inches - Lord, I almost died.But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long,That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on. . ..But there you are, another lie,I was ready for a big mac and you've brought me a French fry.I should have known that it was bull, just a sad pathetic dream;Should have known there

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-19943255883626857002006-11-24T09:26:00.001-08:002006-11-24T09:26:56.549-08:00

Sometime when you're at a bar, write this message on a napkin and ask your friend to read it OUT LOUD. In fact, read it out loud right now."I am wee Todd it. I am Sofa King wee Todd it."

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-16590331442981908352006-11-24T09:21:00.000-08:002006-11-24T09:25:08.931-08:00

Please join in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-82373977932074882672006-11-24T09:18:00.000-08:002006-11-24T09:21:25.053-08:00

6 AM. Joe curses at his alarm clock, changes and brushes his teeth and heads out the door with his golf bag.Its raining outside, not really heavily, but its cold and unpleasant. On the way to the golf course the rain increases in intensity and the guy says, WTF, he decides his buddies can do without him so he turns around and drives home.Takes off his clothes and hops back into bed besides his

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-86815098179730427052006-11-14T00:28:00.000-08:002006-11-14T00:30:44.809-08:00

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-88895073317340004402006-11-14T00:26:00.000-08:002006-11-14T00:28:09.927-08:00

When I went to the city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-53067166844284086122006-11-14T00:08:00.000-08:002006-11-14T00:25:45.390-08:00

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hells Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-60633164220361443422006-11-14T00:06:00.000-08:002006-11-14T00:08:12.392-08:00

Penis breath, a lover's dreadIs what you get when you give headUnpleasant as it tends to beBe grateful that he doesn't peeIt's times like this, you wonder whyyou bothered reaching for his flyBut it's too late, can't be a teaseAccept the facts, get on your kneesYou know you've got a job to doSo open wide and shove it throughLick the tip then take it allDon't drag your teeth or he might bawlSlide

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-39791446920304778482006-11-13T23:59:00.000-08:002006-11-14T00:06:01.330-08:00

Rules for Indoor Golf1.Each player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.2.Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.3.Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.4.For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-2672291897449939502006-10-31T10:58:00.000-08:002006-10-31T11:04:58.601-08:00

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.Suddenly he saw a car

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-10604215908514774812006-10-31T00:16:00.000-08:002006-10-31T00:19:56.158-08:00

Of course I love ya darlingYou're a bloody top notch birdAnd when I say you're gorgeousI mean every single wordSo ya bum is on the big sideI don't mind a bit of flabIt means that when I'm readyThere's somethin there to grabSo your belly isn't flat no moreI tell ya, I don't careSo long as when I cuddle yaI can get my arms round thereNo woman who is your ageHas nice round perky breastsThey just

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-47747091469360204892006-10-31T00:12:00.000-08:002006-10-31T00:16:01.791-08:00

Harry came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep.He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,"You died in your sleep, Harry."Harry was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be!I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back:... as a chicken."Harry was devastated, but begged St

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-80428823110741243422006-10-30T23:52:00.000-08:002006-10-31T00:11:43.419-08:00

I did not do it in a carI did not do it in a barI did not do it in the darkI did not do it in the parkI did not do it on a dateI did not ever fornicateI did not do it at a danceI did not do it in her pantsI did not get beyond first baseI did not do it in her face...oh yes he didI never did it in a bedIf you think that, you've been misledI did not do it with a groanI did not do it on the phoneI

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-87635324949892446512006-10-30T23:49:00.000-08:002006-10-30T23:52:14.586-08:00

Sex is evil,Evil is sin,Sin is forgiven,So lets begin.

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-25574981485354001532006-10-30T23:40:00.000-08:002006-10-30T23:49:30.917-08:00

If you are into Blues music, or like it, but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some fundamental rules:1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning."2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right,

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-5547024201112861202006-10-22T19:39:00.000-07:002006-10-22T19:42:00.899-07:00

His dizzy Aunt = Verti GoghHis Brother who ate prunes = Gotta GoghHis Brother who worked at a convenience store = Stop N. GoghHis Grandfather from Yugoslavia = U GoghHis Cousin from Illinois = Chica GoghHis magician Uncle = Where-diddy GoghHis Mexican Cousin = A Mee GoghHis Mexican Cousin's American half brother = Gring GoghHis Nephew who drove a stagecoach = Wellsfar GoghHis constipated Uncle =

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-41926264252849043172006-10-15T12:48:00.000-07:002006-10-15T12:50:00.523-07:00

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-49365645445535416472006-10-15T12:44:00.000-07:002006-10-15T12:48:17.196-07:00

Learn these kamasutra positions.

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-351556861460282482006-10-15T12:42:00.000-07:002006-10-15T12:43:43.305-07:00

This is just plain wrong.

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-60116995482165365372006-10-15T12:41:00.000-07:002006-10-15T12:42:34.782-07:00

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-36433961811552057752006-10-15T12:39:00.000-07:002006-10-15T12:41:22.452-07:00

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-18224415686988890282006-10-13T13:01:00.000-07:002006-10-13T13:15:42.528-07:00

Confused about the difference between socialism, Communism, and the politics of huge corporations? This basic “dictionary” may help.Feudalism: You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream.Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-59089660644616217672006-10-10T13:03:00.000-07:002006-10-10T13:04:34.944-07:00

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speedOn your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.Directly in front of you is a kangaroo, and your horse is unable to overtake it.Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?!If you don't

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-52446607799052518572006-10-10T12:58:00.000-07:002006-10-10T13:02:00.378-07:00

Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.Q. Why did God invent the yeast infection?A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.Q. Why are hangovers better than women?A. Hangovers will go away.Q. Why did God give men penises?A. So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!Q. Why is a woman like a dog turd?A. The older

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-54939697090126078222006-10-10T12:55:00.000-07:002006-10-10T12:58:20.726-07:00

[This is a take on an old parable about 6 wise blind men trying to find what elephants are like]Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human,

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-33921897598377394392006-10-09T16:15:00.000-07:002006-10-09T16:16:38.279-07:00

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well for example, the other day I was in town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.I walked up to him and said, "How about giving a senior citizen a break?"He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-67585317082504172842006-10-09T16:13:00.000-07:002006-10-09T16:14:52.185-07:00

So this guy goes to the doctor for a physical. As soon as he drops his pants the doctor says,"My word, your penis is bright orange!""Yeah, I know, doc, and I dunno what causes it... been like that for months."The doctor takes a closer examination, shakes his head, and says he has never seen anything like it in his life. Then he starts asking the patient more questions, such as about his sex life

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-36688298934345077112006-10-09T16:12:00.000-07:002006-10-09T16:13:20.622-07:00

OK, we know that 666 is the Number of the BeastBut did you know that:$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories andreplacement soul$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast6, uh... whatwas that numberagain? - Number of the Blonde Beast00666 - Zip code of the Beast1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one acts! Call

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-72929225678381353322006-10-09T16:10:00.000-07:002006-10-09T16:12:18.301-07:00

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?""Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-63308670631168106012006-10-09T16:08:00.000-07:002006-10-09T16:10:13.555-07:00

Jesus, hanging on the cross, says, "Peter, come here."Peter, thinking he is about to receive a profound religious truth, tries goes to Jesus but Roman soldiers push him back.Again Jesus summons, "Peter, come here." Peter tries to, but Roman soldiers again push him away.Jesus summons a third time, "Peter come here." Peter gathers all of his strength and finally breaks through. Bleeding from

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-48526370408003326542006-10-09T16:05:00.000-07:002006-10-09T16:08:17.789-07:00

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him."Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked."I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-89166777326563696832006-10-09T16:01:00.000-07:002006-10-09T16:03:43.513-07:00

Snow White was desperate for a fuckShe went to the woods to try her luck.She'd almost given up looking,When she saw some chimney smoke,Then she stumbled on the cottage,and went in for a poke.Her clothes came off in seconds.And she'd just removed her pants,When seven dwarfs came marching in,with a merry song and dance.Snow White just stood there speechless,and thought she was in heaven,originally

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19968349.post-1158336912189011802006-09-15T09:14:00.000-07:002006-09-15T09:15:12.190-07:00

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it".For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal.It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for

Dilnoreply@blogger.com0