I was comin home one day and a cop pulled me over. When the cop got to my window I asked him if he was writing me a ticket. He just kind of looked at me and then said "YES".
I was like "oh... it's nice of you to give me a ticket to the state trooper party thet you're having". Again he looked at me funny and then said "What?" and I said "The ball! I was just sayin thanks for invinting me to the ball"
The cop stared at me for a second with a half ass confused look on his face and then said "What are you talking about?!
State troopers don't have balls!"
To this I replied "Oh really?! You guys don't?! God your wives must hate that!".
After Saying this, the cop stared at me for a few seconds with a strange twisted up kind of face, then turned around, walked back to his car, got in, and drove off
Friday, August 11, 2006
George Burns & Oprah's Sexual Escapades...
When the late George Burns turned 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
She said," Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."
Mr Burns said," I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."
Oprah said," I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."
George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it."
Oprah said, " I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.
George said," The second time is even better than the first time.”
Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. During that time just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!"
George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."
Oprah said,"Does my holding you like that kind of recharge you batteries?"
George said, "Oh No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman, she stole my wallet.
She said," Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."
Mr Burns said," I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."
Oprah said," I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."
George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it."
Oprah said, " I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.
George said," The second time is even better than the first time.”
Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. During that time just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!"
George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."
Oprah said,"Does my holding you like that kind of recharge you batteries?"
George said, "Oh No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman, she stole my wallet.
Living Or Dead
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
A Buck for Your Duck
A young boy just turning 12 was handed a dollar by his father who told him to take it to the fancy house 3 blocks away and give it to the lady at the door. When she asks what is this for, tell her its your birthday and she will give you the best present ever.
So the young boy headed of with his buck and met a man who had a duck. The man with the duck said I will give you this duck for that buck, so the boy traded the buck for a duck.
When the boy arrived at the fancy house he knocked and was greeted by a lovely young lady. The lady asked what he needed and the young boy replied, Today is my birthday and my father gave me a buck and sent me here for my present. Along the way I met a man and traded my buck this duck because I like this duck more then that old buck.
The lady replied well son come on in and bring the duck. She led him to a room and striped and said, for your birthday you shall receive a fuck but it was to cost a buck, but since you only have a duck it will cost you a duck for a great fuck.
When they were done the lady said that was the best fuck she had had, so she said, I will give you back the duck I took for a fuck if you will give me a fuck for that duck. The boy replied of course i will give you a fuck for that duck.
On the way home the boy met a weird old man who asked what he was doing with a duck and offered the boy a buck if he could fuck his duck. So the boy took the buck and watched the duck get a fuck.
When the boy arrived home his father asked him what he thought of his present and the boy replied At first I was unsure why you gave me a buck but now I am glad you gave me a buck."
The boys father asked him well what did you get for the buck? The boy replied;
I got a duck for buck, a fuck for a duck and a duck for a fuck and a buck for one very fucked up duck.
So the young boy headed of with his buck and met a man who had a duck. The man with the duck said I will give you this duck for that buck, so the boy traded the buck for a duck.
When the boy arrived at the fancy house he knocked and was greeted by a lovely young lady. The lady asked what he needed and the young boy replied, Today is my birthday and my father gave me a buck and sent me here for my present. Along the way I met a man and traded my buck this duck because I like this duck more then that old buck.
The lady replied well son come on in and bring the duck. She led him to a room and striped and said, for your birthday you shall receive a fuck but it was to cost a buck, but since you only have a duck it will cost you a duck for a great fuck.
When they were done the lady said that was the best fuck she had had, so she said, I will give you back the duck I took for a fuck if you will give me a fuck for that duck. The boy replied of course i will give you a fuck for that duck.
On the way home the boy met a weird old man who asked what he was doing with a duck and offered the boy a buck if he could fuck his duck. So the boy took the buck and watched the duck get a fuck.
When the boy arrived home his father asked him what he thought of his present and the boy replied At first I was unsure why you gave me a buck but now I am glad you gave me a buck."
The boys father asked him well what did you get for the buck? The boy replied;
I got a duck for buck, a fuck for a duck and a duck for a fuck and a buck for one very fucked up duck.
A Nun And A Priest Were .....
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here."
"Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here."
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Moses!
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"
The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses."
The Secret Service agent asked "Then why dont you reply to Mr. President?"
The man leaned over and said, "The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil!"
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"
The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses."
The Secret Service agent asked "Then why dont you reply to Mr. President?"
The man leaned over and said, "The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil!"
One Behind Me
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."
He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."
Think!
In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
Pope and Crossword
The Pope and one of his top cardinals were taking a long train ride one day. The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle, and the cardinal was reading the Bible.
Suddenly the Pope asked the cardinal, "What's a four letter word for `woman' ending in ...n..t?"
The startled cardinal stammered for a bit, then said, "Uh.. er.. aunt! Yes, aunt!"
"Oh, of course", said the Pope, slapping his forehead, "Got an eraser?"
Suddenly the Pope asked the cardinal, "What's a four letter word for `woman' ending in ...n..t?"
The startled cardinal stammered for a bit, then said, "Uh.. er.. aunt! Yes, aunt!"
"Oh, of course", said the Pope, slapping his forehead, "Got an eraser?"
Monday, August 07, 2006
For Dem Cube Dwellers
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK..........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON..........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK..........you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK..........you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK..........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON..........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK..........you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON..........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK..........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON..........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK..........they are called managers
ENJOY YOUR DAY AT WORK!
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK..........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON..........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK..........you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK..........you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK..........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON..........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK..........you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON..........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK..........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON..........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK..........they are called managers
ENJOY YOUR DAY AT WORK!
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Dr. Seuss as a Technical Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Three Drunk Mice
There's 3 mice sitting at a bar having some drinks. They start talking about who's the baddest mouse. So the 3 of them order a doubleshot each of whiskey.
So the first mouse says, "I'm so bad. Every morning when I get up, I go into the cabinet and put a spoonful of rat poison in my coffee and drink it before I go to work at the cheese factory." Then he takes his shot and slams it on the bar.
Then the second mouse says, "That's nothing. I'm so bad, I go around the house and set off mouse traps. As I do benches with the bars with one arm I eat the cheese in them." Then he takes his shot and slams the glass on the table.
The other mouse gets pissed and says, "Fuck this, I don't have time for this shit!" He takes his shot, slams the glass on the table and says, "I've gotta go home and fuck the cat."
So the first mouse says, "I'm so bad. Every morning when I get up, I go into the cabinet and put a spoonful of rat poison in my coffee and drink it before I go to work at the cheese factory." Then he takes his shot and slams it on the bar.
Then the second mouse says, "That's nothing. I'm so bad, I go around the house and set off mouse traps. As I do benches with the bars with one arm I eat the cheese in them." Then he takes his shot and slams the glass on the table.
The other mouse gets pissed and says, "Fuck this, I don't have time for this shit!" He takes his shot, slams the glass on the table and says, "I've gotta go home and fuck the cat."
Missionary in Africa
Once there was a white missionary working in deepest Africa many years ago. One day a man from the village came to his house, furious, and said "Today my pregnant wife finally gave birth, and the baby was white. You are the only white man living within a hundred miles of here, so I demand an explanation from you."
The missionary became very nervous, and blurted out "Look, calm down and think this through. When a child is born that is different from all the other children, should we hold that child as being lesser than the other children? Should we discriminate against him, or say that he is unnatural? No! Rather, we should celebrate the difference and diversity that he adds to our society. Look at it this way; the village field is filled with white sheep, but every once in a great while one will spontaneously give birth to a black sheep. When that happens, the whole village marvels at the wonderful event."
The village man thought about it silently for a while. After a few minutes he shook the missionary's hand and said "Okay, it's a deal. I won't say anything about the white baby, if you don't go around telling people about the black sheep."
The missionary became very nervous, and blurted out "Look, calm down and think this through. When a child is born that is different from all the other children, should we hold that child as being lesser than the other children? Should we discriminate against him, or say that he is unnatural? No! Rather, we should celebrate the difference and diversity that he adds to our society. Look at it this way; the village field is filled with white sheep, but every once in a great while one will spontaneously give birth to a black sheep. When that happens, the whole village marvels at the wonderful event."
The village man thought about it silently for a while. After a few minutes he shook the missionary's hand and said "Okay, it's a deal. I won't say anything about the white baby, if you don't go around telling people about the black sheep."
A woman walks into a pharmacy...
A woman walks into a pharmacy she looks around for a bit and when she spots the pharmacist she says, "You! You're the one I need to talk to." She walks over to the pharmacist and says, "I need some arsenic to kill my husband and you're going to give it to me."
The pharmacist says,"Ma'am, I am not going to give you arsenic to kill your husband."
The woman says, "Now look, I need arsenic to kill my husband and your going to give it to me".
Again, the pharamacist begins to refuse but as he is doing so the woman shows him a picture of his wife making love to her husband.
The pharmacist takes a look and says, "Oh, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The pharmacist says,"Ma'am, I am not going to give you arsenic to kill your husband."
The woman says, "Now look, I need arsenic to kill my husband and your going to give it to me".
Again, the pharamacist begins to refuse but as he is doing so the woman shows him a picture of his wife making love to her husband.
The pharmacist takes a look and says, "Oh, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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