Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on
his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.
He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint a dat moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin wif two more frogs.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Mkele and The Elephant
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was in Kenya hiking through the bush. He came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Female Pilots
The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, " and so is the Co-Captain. In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit."
"Now it's the Box office"
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, " and so is the Co-Captain. In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit."
"Now it's the Box office"
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody was angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody was angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Who's On First - Buying A Computer
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers! What about financial. You have anything I can track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later . . . . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers! What about financial. You have anything I can track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later . . . . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...
Arthritis ....
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
Friday, August 04, 2006
The Man Test
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN SportsCenter.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find
out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Your Results:
- If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
- If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
- If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN SportsCenter.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find
out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Your Results:
- If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
- If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
- If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
Ebonics... Vocabulary Test
Instructions: Use each of the following 8 vocabulary words in a sentence.
1. ‘CATACOMB’:
“I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get dat catacomb."
2. ‘HOTEL’:
“I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.”
3. ‘DICTATE’:
“My girlfriend say my dictate good.”
4. ‘FORECLOSE’:
“If I pay da alimony today, I got no money left foreclose.”
5. ‘RECTUM’:
“I had two Cadillacs, but da bitch rectum both.”
6. ‘DISAPPOINTMENT’:
“My parole officer tol' me if I don’t show up for disappointment at 3 p.m.today, they gonna throw my ass back in da joint.”
7. ‘PENIS’:
“I went to da clinic da other day. The nurse handed me a cup and said “penis”.”
8. ‘ISRAEL’:
“ Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake" He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel".”
---------------
BONUS WORD: Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:
Today's Bonus Word is: ‘OMELETTE’
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
1. ‘CATACOMB’:
“I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get dat catacomb."
2. ‘HOTEL’:
“I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.”
3. ‘DICTATE’:
“My girlfriend say my dictate good.”
4. ‘FORECLOSE’:
“If I pay da alimony today, I got no money left foreclose.”
5. ‘RECTUM’:
“I had two Cadillacs, but da bitch rectum both.”
6. ‘DISAPPOINTMENT’:
“My parole officer tol' me if I don’t show up for disappointment at 3 p.m.today, they gonna throw my ass back in da joint.”
7. ‘PENIS’:
“I went to da clinic da other day. The nurse handed me a cup and said “penis”.”
8. ‘ISRAEL’:
“ Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake" He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel".”
---------------
BONUS WORD: Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:
Today's Bonus Word is: ‘OMELETTE’
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
Did I Read That Right?
In an office:
Toilet out of order...... please use floor below
In a Laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
Outside a secondhand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor
Notice in a farmer's field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
Toilet out of order...... please use floor below
In a Laundromat:
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
Outside a secondhand shop:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor
Notice in a farmer's field:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Advanced Algebra
Advanced algebra #1:
Advanced algebra #2:
Advanced Algebra #3:
sin(x)/n = 6
Just cancel the n's.
Advanced algebra #2:
Advanced Algebra #3:
sin(x)/n = 6
Just cancel the n's.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Three Legged Pig
A man is driving along a country road when he sees an odd sight by the side of the road- a pig with one wooden leg. So he pulls over and finds the house of the farm where he saw the pig. He pokes around until he finds the farmer and asks him what's up with the peg-legged pig.
"Oh, that!" He says. "Oh, well, about six years ago my son was playing down by the stream when he slipped on the rocks and was pulled in. He was young then and couldn't swim, so he started to go down fast. But that pig jumped in the water, dog-paddled over to my boy, grabbed his collar in his mouth, pulled him to shore, and, what's more, he gave my boy CPR! Saved his life, that pig did!"
"Wow! That's amazing!" Said the man. "Fantastic. But how did the pig get the wooden leg?"
"Well, about a year after my boy fell in the river, my wife was working out in the barn when some old rags caught fire. With all that hay in there, the building was all aflame in just a few seconds, and with my wife inside. That pig ran into the barn, found my wife, dragged her outside, and even put out the flames that had caught on her skirt!"
The man gaped in amazement. "I can hardly believe it! Amazing! But... what about the leg?"
"About two years back, my daughter was over at the well there getting water when a brick gave and she fell in. I guess that pig heard her screaming because he ran over to the well, pushed a bucket into place, got up on it, and turned the winch himself, raising my daughter out of the well and saving her life!"
"Wow," said the man, who was by this point getting tired of amazing pig stories, "but, um, what about the leg?"
"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig like that you don't eat it all at once."
"Oh, that!" He says. "Oh, well, about six years ago my son was playing down by the stream when he slipped on the rocks and was pulled in. He was young then and couldn't swim, so he started to go down fast. But that pig jumped in the water, dog-paddled over to my boy, grabbed his collar in his mouth, pulled him to shore, and, what's more, he gave my boy CPR! Saved his life, that pig did!"
"Wow! That's amazing!" Said the man. "Fantastic. But how did the pig get the wooden leg?"
"Well, about a year after my boy fell in the river, my wife was working out in the barn when some old rags caught fire. With all that hay in there, the building was all aflame in just a few seconds, and with my wife inside. That pig ran into the barn, found my wife, dragged her outside, and even put out the flames that had caught on her skirt!"
The man gaped in amazement. "I can hardly believe it! Amazing! But... what about the leg?"
"About two years back, my daughter was over at the well there getting water when a brick gave and she fell in. I guess that pig heard her screaming because he ran over to the well, pushed a bucket into place, got up on it, and turned the winch himself, raising my daughter out of the well and saving her life!"
"Wow," said the man, who was by this point getting tired of amazing pig stories, "but, um, what about the leg?"
"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig like that you don't eat it all at once."
Praise the Lord!
The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Hawaii back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Hawaii, too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas.
And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Hawaii back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Hawaii, too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas.
And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
The Honeymoon Is Over
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"
"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"
Nudist Beach
A guy applied to join a nudist beach club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said,
"Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said,
"Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"
Daddy Longlegs
(Daddy Long legs is name of a kind of spider here is more)
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said,
"Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said,
"Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Lessons in Political Science - Forms of Governments Explained
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbor's help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor's decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor's pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbor's try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbor's help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor's decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor's pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbor's try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
I Have Learned That .....
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Corporate Training - SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (SHIT)
We are tying to give employees more SHIT than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of SHIT, on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the SHIT list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the SHIT, that you can handle.
Employees who don't take their SHIT will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (DEEP SHIT). Those who fail to take DEEPSHIT seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (EAT SHIT). Since our managers took SHIT before they were promoted, they don't have to do SHIT anymore, and they are full of SHIT already.
If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (BULL SHIT) Those who are full of BULL SHIT will get SHIT jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (DIP SHIT)
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (HOT SHIT)
Thank You,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(BIG SHIT)
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (SHIT)
We are tying to give employees more SHIT than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of SHIT, on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the SHIT list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the SHIT, that you can handle.
Employees who don't take their SHIT will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (DEEP SHIT). Those who fail to take DEEPSHIT seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (EAT SHIT). Since our managers took SHIT before they were promoted, they don't have to do SHIT anymore, and they are full of SHIT already.
If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (BULL SHIT) Those who are full of BULL SHIT will get SHIT jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (DIP SHIT)
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (HOT SHIT)
Thank You,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(BIG SHIT)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)