Just For Thanksgiving!!

It was thanksgiving and people were coming over. Little Johnny's dad was cooking and found he needed a quick trip to convenience store.
Little Johnny saw two ladies bumped into one another in front of them. The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch!" yelled the one lady.

Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You hag!"

Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are hags and bitches?"

"Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad.

"Oh, okay," said Johnny.

The two make it home and Little Johnny goes to his mom to watch her apply makeup readying for the party. While putting on lipstick, her hand moves and bit and lipstick spreads. "Shit!" she blurted.

"Mom, what's shit?" asked Little Johnny.

"Oh, that's just another name for applying makeup," replied his mother.

Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his dad cooking a turkey. As his dad reached into the oven, he burnt his hand. "Fuck!" he yells.

"Dad, what's fuck?" questioned Johnny.

"That's just another word for cooking the turkey."

"Oh, I get it," said Johnny.

All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.

"Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady.

"Hello hags and bitches. My mom's upstairs shitting herself and my dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

The old ladies fainted!

Skydiving

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked, "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

The jump instructor answered, "The rest of your life."

Double dose of Viagra...

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will
be here on Saturday. My wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I
must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you
have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there
are any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling. The doctor
asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up

Queers in a Shower

Two queers were taking a shower with each other. The phone rings and Lance says to Rod, "I will be right back darling, so don't start without me!"
After a minute or so Lance comes back, and sees sperm splattered all over the shower wall.
"I thought I told you not to start without me!" he squealed.
"Oh, just relax!" replied Rod, "I didn't start without you, I just farted!"

Can't Really Win

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Homosexual in a Zoo

Two queers were visiting the zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain himself the first queer reaches inside the cage to touch the huge cock. As soon as arm goes into the cage the gorilla grabs him, takes him into the cage, slams him on the floor and fucks him senseless.

A few days later in hospital the first queer's boyfriend visits him and said, "Does it hurt?"

"Hurt? Hurt?" cried the faggot, "Of course it hurts. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written........!"

Socrates Is In Prison ....

Socrates is pacing back and forth in his jail cell.
A servant comes to the cell with a cup full of hemlock and gives it to Socrates. He takes it, sits back and relaxes for a minute and drinks it up, then he looks at the servant and asks,
"So, what's the verdict?".

Jesus - and the Adultress

JESUS came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death. Jesus said: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.”

An old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The young lady collapsed dead.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: “Do you know, mother, sometimes you really piss me off.”

What Men Mean - Translations for Women

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Translations for Men - What Women Mean

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends

The Meaning Of Words That Women Use In Dating Ads

Strong woman - Bitch with a severe case of self-entitlement.
Classy - Bitchy 45 year-old real estate agent type.
Seeking gentleman - Looking for rich guy who isn't interested in sex.
World traveler - would love to go to Europe as long as you're buying.
Intelligent - She isn't but thinks she is, and you'd better entertain her.
Rubenesque - Fat
Sarcastic - Bought into the whole Gen X irony thing and is really a miserable bore to hang out with.
Make me laugh - You're expected to be highly entertaining right away.
Sick of bar scene - She doesn't get hit on at bars due to one or more physical flaws.
Friends first - Reformed slut.
Tired of games/jerks - I fucked and sucked my way through fifteen states, but now I want a docile schmuck to pay my bills and not pester me for sex.
Curvy - Fat
Voluptuous - Really FAT!
BBW - Grossly morbidly OBESE (Bring Burgers With you).
Must like kids - I want a putz who will break his ass paying for another man's cast off progeny.
Loves the Outdoors - Closet Lesbo.
Snuggling, Cuddling, and Warm Fires - No Sex.
Enjoys Traveling - You're paying, right?
Fun-Loving - Fucked 100 guys.
Meaningful Relationship - Slavery.
Nurturing - Smothering.
Sassy - Insufferable by the third date.
Bubbly - All fucking happy all the damn time to the point of annoying.
No games! - I won't put up with your games, but I will gladly infuriate you with mine.
Eccentric/Quirky - Psycho!!!
Grown up man - Sucker willing to marry me and support my lazy fat ass.
Financially Secure - You should own about 200,000 shares of Microsoft.

The World is Nuts - Here Is Proof

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of .... ?)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
And, the best for last:
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Mr. Penis Requests a Promotion

Mr. Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
- has to work hard
- has to work at great depths
- has to work upside down
- has no ventilation or air conditioned work environment
- has to work in a high humidity environment
- has to work at high temperatures
- does not get weekends and holidays off
- does not get time off after extra hours of work
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes illness

Management Reply:
- Request denied ------- for the following reasons
- does not work 8 hours straight during any work period
- does not answer immediately to all requests
- coworkers often unsatisfied by job performance
- after a short activity period, falls asleep
- shows no evidence of fidelity at the workplace
- works better alone than with others
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
- sometimes leaves work too early

Sex - Saudi Style

Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding meet with their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
Of course!," replies the Mullah, "Alla ho Akber! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Alla ho Akber! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Alla ho Akber. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Alla ho Akber!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Alla ho Akber!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Alla ho Akber!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing."

Physicist at a Bar

Every Friday afternoon, a theoretical physicist goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the physicist makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The physicist replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."
The physicist laughs. "Yeah, right -- how fucking likely is THAT to happen?"

Anything for A Grade

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything??"
"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"

I Will Survive - Sing Along

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches - Lord, I almost died.
But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on. . ..

But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've brought me a French fry.
I should have known that it was bull, just a sad pathetic dream;
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.

Go on now go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4.
Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out.
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?

(Chorus)
I will survive, I will survive,
'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive.
I will always have good sex
With a handful of latex,
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little willy standing tall and proud.
But to hell with all your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multi-speed.

Go on now go, just make a dash,
Last time I saw a prick that small was watching
Johnson run for hash.
I should have asked for confirmation; should have asked for referees,
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee dinky thing at me.

Go on now go, just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers 'cos I'll always throw them back.
The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours,
Is to stick it with a toothpick to dip in tomato sauce.
(Chorus)

Go on now go, get out of my sight,
I'm going back to my appliance 'cos I know its length is right.
And if I ever see your tiny willy at my door,
You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor.
Go on now - Go!

Sofa King!

Sometime when you're at a bar, write this message on a napkin and ask your friend to read it OUT LOUD. In fact, read it out loud right now.

"I am wee Todd it. I am Sofa King wee Todd it."

Sad News - Pillsbury Dough

Please join in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Dough boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Dough boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Golf and Rain

6 AM. Joe curses at his alarm clock, changes and brushes his teeth and heads out the door with his golf bag.
Its raining outside, not really heavily, but its cold and unpleasant. On the way to the golf course the rain increases in intensity and the guy says, WTF, he decides his buddies can do without him so he turns around and drives home.

Takes off his clothes and hops back into bed besides his wife.
The wife sleepily snuggles up and says, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf in that shit."