Synonyms for Masturbation

For Men:
Blueball baseball
Caping the crusader
Cheating on your left hand
Choke the chicken
Clampin the cucumber
Committing mass spermicide
Date with miss michigan
Five knuckle shuffle
Flicking the bean
Foreplay with Fistina
Going on a date with Hangela and Vaselina
Grippin the gipper
"I'll be in the bathroom reading, Dear!". Ofcourse, spraying some air freshner afterwards makes it more believable!
Jerkin the chicken
Jerkin' the gerkin
Make the bald guy spit
Milking the trouser snake
Peeling some chilies
Playin the plunger
Playing a little 5 on 1
Polishin the pole
Polishing the porksword
Pullin the pud
Punchin' the munchkin
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Rosting the donut
Rosy palm and her 5 sisters
Roughing up the Suspect
Shaking Hands With The Unemployed
Slappin the monkey
Spanking the monkey
Spittin spunk
Strokin the poker
Taking old one eye to see the optometrist
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Tenderizing the tube steak
Tube sock tango
Waxing your stinger
Work the hand cream dispenser
Wrestling the bald headed champion
Yank da crank
Yank my Doodle (It's a Dandy)
Yanking your crank
Yanking your Yoda
Zipper Olympics

For Women:
Applying lip gloss
Applying nail polish remover
Banging the box
Bashing the gash
Basting the tuna
Beating around the bush
Beating the Beaver
Brushing your afro
Butterin' the muffin
Checking my oil
Diddle the middle
Doodling the noodle
Draining your tuna
Paddlin' the pink canoe
Parting the Red Sea
Polishing my shoes
Producing whore moans (hormones, get it? ;^)
Putting out the fire
Reading braille
Stinky pinky
Stirring the honey pot
Strumming C Minor
The disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal