The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Showing posts with label cock. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cock. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
The Most Venomous Snake In The World
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Penthouse forum Letter - It Is Never Going To Happen
Forum Fodder
(An actual article printed in Penthouse Forum)
I never thought I would ever have an experience like I frequently read about in your magazine--and I was right.
It was ten minutes past five o'clock at the office, and I was just getting started with a bunch of work that was due the next morning. When I saw how much needed to be done, I called out to my secretary.
Denise is a leggy blonde with the most perfect set of tits I have ever seen, and I have often imagined what it would be like to fuck her.
Unfortunately, she had already left for the day. I didn't even have the chance to ask her to stay late and help me. Therefore, we weren't there until midnight, and upon completion of the work, I did not offer her a beer. There was no conversation that turned to sex, and I did not compliment her on her terrific body.
In no way whatsoever did she suddenly pounce on me and force her tongue down my throat. Nor did her hand ever find the bulge in my pants. Had anyone been there, they would not have seen her lick her full lips nor heard her say, 'I've been wanting to fuck your fat cock ever since I started working here,' or any other sexually suggestive remark.
In fact, Bob from marketing did stop by to see how I was getting on. Just ask him if he heard or saw anything of the kind.
Her unzipping my fly and exposing my blood-engorged member is pure fiction, as is any notion of her first licking the precome ooze from the head of my throbbing cock before putting the whole length of it in her mouth and sucking it in long, slow movements. I was not brought to the brink of orgasm again and again--or even once--only to have her stop right before I came. Likewise, I cannot say that she was begging for me to fuck her aching pussy.
I don't know what Denise was doing that night, but she certainly wasn't pulling up her dress and guiding my hand to the passion-soaked crotch of her panties. Needless to say, I didn't put one finger, then two, into her steamy sex, making her squeal with delight.
She never took off her panties while fixing me with a gaze of pure lust. And though it's true that I was sitting in my chair that evening, she was definitely not straddling me, guiding my love shaft into her pulsating pussy. We didn't fuck like two animals in the forest, and, I'm sorry to say, I never had the opportunity to explore the innermost recesses of her pleasure cave with my cock.
If she reached down and rubbed her clit that night, it wasn't with me, and if she had a shuddering orgasm that let loose a cascade of pussy juice, I missed it. My man-tool was not waiting to explode. I never took it out of her pussy or, while it was slippery with her juices, jacked off, sending a shower of hot, steamy come all over her neck and chest.
Nope. Nothing like that. I worked until about two, then I went home.
--Name and address withheld
(An actual article printed in Penthouse Forum)
I never thought I would ever have an experience like I frequently read about in your magazine--and I was right.
It was ten minutes past five o'clock at the office, and I was just getting started with a bunch of work that was due the next morning. When I saw how much needed to be done, I called out to my secretary.
Denise is a leggy blonde with the most perfect set of tits I have ever seen, and I have often imagined what it would be like to fuck her.
Unfortunately, she had already left for the day. I didn't even have the chance to ask her to stay late and help me. Therefore, we weren't there until midnight, and upon completion of the work, I did not offer her a beer. There was no conversation that turned to sex, and I did not compliment her on her terrific body.
In no way whatsoever did she suddenly pounce on me and force her tongue down my throat. Nor did her hand ever find the bulge in my pants. Had anyone been there, they would not have seen her lick her full lips nor heard her say, 'I've been wanting to fuck your fat cock ever since I started working here,' or any other sexually suggestive remark.
In fact, Bob from marketing did stop by to see how I was getting on. Just ask him if he heard or saw anything of the kind.
Her unzipping my fly and exposing my blood-engorged member is pure fiction, as is any notion of her first licking the precome ooze from the head of my throbbing cock before putting the whole length of it in her mouth and sucking it in long, slow movements. I was not brought to the brink of orgasm again and again--or even once--only to have her stop right before I came. Likewise, I cannot say that she was begging for me to fuck her aching pussy.
I don't know what Denise was doing that night, but she certainly wasn't pulling up her dress and guiding my hand to the passion-soaked crotch of her panties. Needless to say, I didn't put one finger, then two, into her steamy sex, making her squeal with delight.
She never took off her panties while fixing me with a gaze of pure lust. And though it's true that I was sitting in my chair that evening, she was definitely not straddling me, guiding my love shaft into her pulsating pussy. We didn't fuck like two animals in the forest, and, I'm sorry to say, I never had the opportunity to explore the innermost recesses of her pleasure cave with my cock.
If she reached down and rubbed her clit that night, it wasn't with me, and if she had a shuddering orgasm that let loose a cascade of pussy juice, I missed it. My man-tool was not waiting to explode. I never took it out of her pussy or, while it was slippery with her juices, jacked off, sending a shower of hot, steamy come all over her neck and chest.
Nope. Nothing like that. I worked until about two, then I went home.
--Name and address withheld
Synonyms for Masturbation
For Men:
Blueball baseball
Caping the crusader
Cheating on your left hand
Choke the chicken
Clampin the cucumber
Committing mass spermicide
Date with miss michigan
Five knuckle shuffle
Flicking the bean
Foreplay with Fistina
Going on a date with Hangela and Vaselina
Grippin the gipper
"I'll be in the bathroom reading, Dear!". Ofcourse, spraying some air freshner afterwards makes it more believable!
Jerkin the chicken
Jerkin' the gerkin
Make the bald guy spit
Milking the trouser snake
Peeling some chilies
Playin the plunger
Playing a little 5 on 1
Polishin the pole
Polishing the porksword
Pullin the pud
Punchin' the munchkin
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Rosting the donut
Rosy palm and her 5 sisters
Roughing up the Suspect
Shaking Hands With The Unemployed
Slappin the monkey
Spanking the monkey
Spittin spunk
Strokin the poker
Taking old one eye to see the optometrist
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Tenderizing the tube steak
Tube sock tango
Waxing your stinger
Work the hand cream dispenser
Wrestling the bald headed champion
Yank da crank
Yank my Doodle (It's a Dandy)
Yanking your crank
Yanking your Yoda
Zipper Olympics
For Women:
Applying lip gloss
Applying nail polish remover
Banging the box
Bashing the gash
Basting the tuna
Beating around the bush
Beating the Beaver
Brushing your afro
Butterin' the muffin
Checking my oil
Diddle the middle
Doodling the noodle
Draining your tuna
Paddlin' the pink canoe
Parting the Red Sea
Polishing my shoes
Producing whore moans (hormones, get it? ;^)
Putting out the fire
Reading braille
Stinky pinky
Stirring the honey pot
Strumming C Minor
The disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal
Blueball baseball
Caping the crusader
Cheating on your left hand
Choke the chicken
Clampin the cucumber
Committing mass spermicide
Date with miss michigan
Five knuckle shuffle
Flicking the bean
Foreplay with Fistina
Going on a date with Hangela and Vaselina
Grippin the gipper
"I'll be in the bathroom reading, Dear!". Ofcourse, spraying some air freshner afterwards makes it more believable!
Jerkin the chicken
Jerkin' the gerkin
Make the bald guy spit
Milking the trouser snake
Peeling some chilies
Playin the plunger
Playing a little 5 on 1
Polishin the pole
Polishing the porksword
Pullin the pud
Punchin' the munchkin
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Rosting the donut
Rosy palm and her 5 sisters
Roughing up the Suspect
Shaking Hands With The Unemployed
Slappin the monkey
Spanking the monkey
Spittin spunk
Strokin the poker
Taking old one eye to see the optometrist
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Tenderizing the tube steak
Tube sock tango
Waxing your stinger
Work the hand cream dispenser
Wrestling the bald headed champion
Yank da crank
Yank my Doodle (It's a Dandy)
Yanking your crank
Yanking your Yoda
Zipper Olympics
For Women:
Applying lip gloss
Applying nail polish remover
Banging the box
Bashing the gash
Basting the tuna
Beating around the bush
Beating the Beaver
Brushing your afro
Butterin' the muffin
Checking my oil
Diddle the middle
Doodling the noodle
Draining your tuna
Paddlin' the pink canoe
Parting the Red Sea
Polishing my shoes
Producing whore moans (hormones, get it? ;^)
Putting out the fire
Reading braille
Stinky pinky
Stirring the honey pot
Strumming C Minor
The disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal
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