BUENOS DIAS!!!
JOU HAFF YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS.
SIN WE NO HABE SO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A
MANUAL BYRUS.
PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND DEES
E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.
TANK JOU FOR HALPING ME.
JULIO MANUEL JOSE FELIPE PABLO JAIME HECTOR RODRIGUEZ-GARCIA
----MEXICAN HACKER---
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Evening Classes For Men And Women
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
2. Bathroom paper rolls: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.
3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and graphics.
4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink?
5. Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Help line and support groups.
6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open Forum.
7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
10. Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife. On-line class and role-playing.
11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
12. How to fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR WOMEN
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
2. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
3. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
4. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
5. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
6. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
7. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
8. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want Without Nagging
9. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
10. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
11. Introduction to Parking
12. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
13. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
14. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
15. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
16. Cooking III: How NOT to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
17. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
18. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
19. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
20. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have Worn
1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
2. Bathroom paper rolls: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.
3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and graphics.
4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink?
5. Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Help line and support groups.
6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open Forum.
7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
10. Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife. On-line class and role-playing.
11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
12. How to fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR WOMEN
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
2. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
3. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
4. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
5. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
6. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
7. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
8. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want Without Nagging
9. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
10. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
11. Introduction to Parking
12. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
13. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
14. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
15. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
16. Cooking III: How NOT to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
17. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
18. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
19. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
20. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have Worn
That's awful!
Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.
"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine."
"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"
"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him."
Mrs. Jones begins to sob...
"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The doctor continues:
"And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder, and says, "Hey, I'm just messin' with you. He's dead."
"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine."
"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"
"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him."
Mrs. Jones begins to sob...
"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The doctor continues:
"And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder, and says, "Hey, I'm just messin' with you. He's dead."
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Deep Thoughts - Ass
LIFE - It's all about ass...
You're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
or trying to get a piece of it.
You're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
or trying to get a piece of it.
How Well Can You Read?
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is person cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
Mistress
A woman spotted her husband in a restaurant dining with a much younger woman. Storming up to the table the wife demands "who is this woman?!"
Her husband calmly replies, "Oh, this is my mistress."
The women loses it. "That's it," she cries, "I'm filing for divorce tomorrow!!"
"Listen," he says, "Remember the pre-nuptials that you signed? if you get a divorce, you will lose the loft, the merc, won't be able to go on the extravagant trips anymore. Why don't you sleep on it?"
The wife scowls and leaves.
A couple weeks later, the husband and wife are dining in the same restaurant, when they see a male friend of theirs with a young woman who isn't his wife.
"Who's that woman with Pete?" hisses the wife.
"That's his mistress," replies the husband.
After a pause, she says "ours is prettier."
Her husband calmly replies, "Oh, this is my mistress."
The women loses it. "That's it," she cries, "I'm filing for divorce tomorrow!!"
"Listen," he says, "Remember the pre-nuptials that you signed? if you get a divorce, you will lose the loft, the merc, won't be able to go on the extravagant trips anymore. Why don't you sleep on it?"
The wife scowls and leaves.
A couple weeks later, the husband and wife are dining in the same restaurant, when they see a male friend of theirs with a young woman who isn't his wife.
"Who's that woman with Pete?" hisses the wife.
"That's his mistress," replies the husband.
After a pause, she says "ours is prettier."
Where Do You Want To Live?
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in Los Angeles California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
OR You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in Los Angeles California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
OR You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds
What They Mean When They Say?
WOMEN:
1. Yes MEANS No
2. No MEANS Yes
3. Maybe MEANS No
4. We need... MEANS I want.
5. I am sorry MEANS you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk MEANS I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead MEANS I don't want you to
8. Do what you want MEANS You'll pay for this later
9. I am not upset MEANS Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? MEANS Too late, you're toast
11. You have to learn to communicate MEANS Just agree with me you moron!
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights MEANS I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? MEANS I am going to ask for something very expensive
15. It's your decision MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute MEANS Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? MEANS I did something today and you're really not going to like it.
MEN'S
1. I am hungry MEANS I am hungry
2. I am sleepy MEANS I am sleepy
3. I am tired MEANS I am tired
4. Nice dress MEANS Nice cleavage!
5. I love you MEANS Let's have sex now
6. I am bored MEANS Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? MEANS I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? MEANS I want to make it illegal for other men to to have sex with you.
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage MEANS I want to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes!
14. Let's talk MEANS I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and, well I'd like to have sex with you.
1. Yes MEANS No
2. No MEANS Yes
3. Maybe MEANS No
4. We need... MEANS I want.
5. I am sorry MEANS you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk MEANS I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead MEANS I don't want you to
8. Do what you want MEANS You'll pay for this later
9. I am not upset MEANS Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? MEANS Too late, you're toast
11. You have to learn to communicate MEANS Just agree with me you moron!
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights MEANS I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? MEANS I am going to ask for something very expensive
15. It's your decision MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute MEANS Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? MEANS I did something today and you're really not going to like it.
MEN'S
1. I am hungry MEANS I am hungry
2. I am sleepy MEANS I am sleepy
3. I am tired MEANS I am tired
4. Nice dress MEANS Nice cleavage!
5. I love you MEANS Let's have sex now
6. I am bored MEANS Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? MEANS I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? MEANS I want to make it illegal for other men to to have sex with you.
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage MEANS I want to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes!
14. Let's talk MEANS I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and, well I'd like to have sex with you.
Little Johnny Wants to Get Married
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Little Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Little Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Johnny replies with confidence "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Little Johnny replies thoughtfully, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Little Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says,"Well, Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Little Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says
"Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Little Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Johnny replies with confidence "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Little Johnny replies thoughtfully, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Little Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says,"Well, Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Little Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says
"Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Come To Me
Eau de Blonde
Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it.
"That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"
Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"
"Viens a moi" replies the store clerk.
"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"
The store clerk offers some more help, "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.
"Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks,
"That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"
Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it.
"That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"
Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"
"Viens a moi" replies the store clerk.
"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"
The store clerk offers some more help, "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.
"Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks,
"That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"
Spanish Delicacy
A Texas cowboy visiting Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served at the next table?”
The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the heck, I’m on vacation down here! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served at the next table?”
The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the heck, I’m on vacation down here! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.
The End Is Near
A priest and a pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,
"The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'BRIDGE ENDS' instead?"
"The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'BRIDGE ENDS' instead?"
"New Bike" AKA "I Will Do the Dishes"
A guy decides to buy a new Harley. Before he leaves the owner tells him his secret for keeping it in such great condition is he rubs vaseline on the chrome when it rains and hands him a jar of vaseline.
Over weekend, he decides to take his new bike to visit his girlfiends' parents.
As they walk to the front door she stops him and says, "Don't talk during dinner, the first one to talk has to do the dishes."
He says "Alright?"
Still confused they get to the front door and walk in only to find piles of dishes all over the house. They start to eat and sure enough nobody is saying a word.
So he starts to rub his girlfriends breast, still nothing from anybody. He takes off her clothes, still nothing from anybody. Then He screws her right their at the table, not a word from anybody. A little more time goes by and he does the same thing to her mom, still no word from anybody.
Then he hears it starting to rain outside so he pulls out the jar of vaseline to take care of his bike.
Her dad says, "Alright, alright I will do the dishes."
Over weekend, he decides to take his new bike to visit his girlfiends' parents.
As they walk to the front door she stops him and says, "Don't talk during dinner, the first one to talk has to do the dishes."
He says "Alright?"
Still confused they get to the front door and walk in only to find piles of dishes all over the house. They start to eat and sure enough nobody is saying a word.
So he starts to rub his girlfriends breast, still nothing from anybody. He takes off her clothes, still nothing from anybody. Then He screws her right their at the table, not a word from anybody. A little more time goes by and he does the same thing to her mom, still no word from anybody.
Then he hears it starting to rain outside so he pulls out the jar of vaseline to take care of his bike.
Her dad says, "Alright, alright I will do the dishes."
Sexy Sister-in-Law
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. "Welcome to our family!!!"
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car...
There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. "Welcome to our family!!!"
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car...
Sleeping With the Patient
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
Dave.............
Dave............
Dave............
You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard".
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
Dave.............
Dave............
Dave............
You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard".
How Do You ??
1. How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
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A Confused Zebra
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"
St Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."
So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"
God simply replied "You are what you are."
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"
The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'"
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes."
The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"
"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."
St Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."
So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"
God simply replied "You are what you are."
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"
The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'"
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes."
The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"
"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."
Domain Names
I guess it is important to have a domain name that says it all. Here are some examples of unfortunate names… or maybe they have done it on purpose to attract more traffic!
Mole Station Native Nursery is located in New South Wales in Australia: http://www.molestationnursery.com. Not sure I would send my kids there.
Who Represents? Is a database for agents of the rich and famous: http://www.whorepresents.com …but this can also read whore presents.
Here is a site for technical IT support in Norway: http://www.tits.no.
If you need power in Italy the company Power-Gen Italia can provide it. http://www.powergenitalia.com
Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com (again .. www.expertSEXchange.com)
San Francisco Arts - http://www.sfarts.org or S Farts?
Oregan State University http://www.orst.edu surely is not the worst educational institution.
If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com, cumming first?
Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com. I wonder what really is speed of fart?
Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com, I am sure Nevada has many.
Looking for a pen? Why not try Pen Island: http://www.penisland.net. So what was wrong with pen-island.net?
Do you need a therapist? Why not try http://www.therapistfinder.com? But is it therapist finder or The rapist finder?Mole Station Native Nursery is located in New South Wales in Australia: http://www.molestationnursery.com. Not sure I would send my kids there.
Who Represents? Is a database for agents of the rich and famous: http://www.whorepresents.com …but this can also read whore presents.
Here is a site for technical IT support in Norway: http://www.tits.no.
If you need power in Italy the company Power-Gen Italia can provide it. http://www.powergenitalia.com
Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com (again .. www.expertSEXchange.com)
San Francisco Arts - http://www.sfarts.org or S Farts?
Oregan State University http://www.orst.edu surely is not the worst educational institution.
If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com, cumming first?
Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com. I wonder what really is speed of fart?
Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com, I am sure Nevada has many.
Presidential Intelligence
Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office:
"Oh, and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief.
He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God...."
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says, "How many is a 'Brazilian'?"
"Oh, and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief.
He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God...."
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says, "How many is a 'Brazilian'?"
Celebacy
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.
He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
He asks, "What's wrong?"
"The word is celebrate," says the old monk.
He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
He asks, "What's wrong?"
"The word is celebrate," says the old monk.
Creationism - How it Actually Happened!
IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED THE COMPUTER…
VOIDIX System V Release 1
Login:
> God
Enter password.
> Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
> Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
> Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#> Let there be light!
Let: Unrecognized command. Try again.
#> Create Light
Requires authentication. Enter root password.
> password
Syscon: Root logged on at 12:01:30 AM, Monday, March 1.
Create: Done
%> Give Administrative Priviledges to God
Give: Syntax error at argument 2.
%> Give God Administrative Priviledges
Give: Done. God is root. Root is God.
%> Run Light
And God created Light. And God saw there were 0 errors.
%> Divide Light from Darkness
Divide: Done.
%> Set Light = Day
Set: Done.
%> Set Darkness = Night
Set: Done.
%> Logout
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
…
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%> Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Let: Unrecognized command. Try again.
%> Create Firmament
Create: Done.
%> Run Firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
%> Set Firmament = Heaven
Set: Done.
%> Logoff
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
…
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%> Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and
Let: Unrecognized command. Try again.
%> Create Dry Land
Create: Too many arguments. Try again.
%> Create Land
Create: Done.
%> Run Land
And God created dry land. And God saw there were 0 errors.
%> Set Land = Earth
Set: Done.
%> Set Waters = Seas
Set: Done.
%> Run Grass
Run: "Grass" undefined.
%> Create Grass
Create: Done.
%> Run Grass
And the Earth brought forth grass. And God saw there were 0 errors.
%> Exit
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
…
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%> Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Create: Too many arguments. Try again.
%> Create Sun_Moon_Stars
Create: Done.
%> Run Sun_Moon_Stars
And God made two great lights and the stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.
%> [CTRL-D]
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
…
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%> Create Fish
Create: Done.
%> Create Fowl
Create: Done
%> Run Fish, Fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
%> Create Reproduction
Create: Done.
%> Run Reproduction
And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply. And God saw there
were 0 errors.
%> [CTRL-D]
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
…
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%> Create Cattle
Create: Done.
%> Create Creepy_Things
Create: Done.
%> Now let us make man in our image
Now: Unspecified type. Try again.
%> Create Man
Create: Done.
%> Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Be: Too many command operands. Try again.
%> Run Man
Run: Execution terminated at run time. 5 errors, 1 warnings.
%> Insert Breath Into Man
Insert: Done.
%> Run Man
Run: Execution terminated at run time. 4 errors, 1 warnings.
%> Move Man to Garden of Eden
Move: File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%> Create Garden.edn
Create: Done.
%> Move man to Garden.edn
Move: Done.
%> Run Man
Run: Execution terminated at run time. 3 errors, 1 warnings.
%> Copy Woman Man
Copy: Overwrite Man.obj (Y/n)?
> n
Copy: Terminated before completion. Try again.
%> Copy Man Woman
Copy: Done.
%> Run Woman
Run: Execution terminated at run time. 2 errors, 1 warnings.
%> Run Man, Woman
Run: Execution terminated at run time. 1 errors, 1 warnings.
%> Create Desire, Freewill
Create: Done.
%> Run Man, Woman
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn.
Warning: Infinite loop detected. 1 warnings.
%> Undo Desire
Undo: Desire cannot be undone while program is running.
%> Stop Man, Woman
Stop: Program not responding. Type [CTRL]-[ALT]-[DEL] to force
termination, Wait to try again in 6000 years, or Cancel to allow program
to continue.
> Help
Help is not available for this command.
> Cancel
Stop: Program termination cancelled.
%> Create Tree_of_Knowledge
Create: Done.
%> Create Evil, Shame
Create: Done.
%> Run Evil, Shame
And God saw he had created shame.
System error in sector E95. Man and Woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
%> Scan Garden.edn for Man, Woman
Scan: Not found.
%> Delete Shame.
Delete: Shame cannot be deleted with Evil running.
%> Delete Evil
Delete: Evil: File not found. Cannot be destroyed.
%> Halt
Unrecognized command. Try again.
%> Stop
Stop: Required parameters missing.
%> Cancel
Unrecognized command. Try again.
%> Damn this computer
Unrecognized command. Try again.
BROADCAST ALERT:
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
%> Create New_World
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
%> Delete Earth
Delete: Confirm delete Earth (Y/n)?
> Y
Delete: Beginning deletion process. This may take a few moments…
BROADCAST ALERT:
COMPUTER GOING DOWN IMMEDIATELY *** COMPUTER GOING DOWN IMMEDIATELY.
SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
Syscon: Killing all processes…
Syscon: Delete process terminated before completion. Check for errors!
Syscon: Logging users off…
And God was booted off the terminal at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
Types Of Men in a Loo
Excitable Type
Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
Sociable Type
Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.
Timid Type
Cannot pee if anyone is watching. Pretends he has peed and sneaks back later.
Noisy Type
Whistles loudly. Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.
Indifferent Type
All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
Clever Type
Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at same time.
Vain Type
Undoes 5 buttons to take out tool when 2 would have done.
Absent Minded Type
Opens jacket, takes out his tie and pees in his pants.
Worried Type
Not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of his tool while peeing.
Disgrunted Type
Stands for a while, grunts,farts, tries to pee, fails, farts and walks away.
Sneaky Type
Drops silent fart while peeing, sniffs and looks at the bloke next to him.
Sloppy Type
Pees down into his shoe, walks out with his zip open and adjusts his balls 10 mins later.
Learned Type
Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.
Childish Type
Looks at the bottom of the urinal to watch bubbles while peeing.
Strong Type
Bangs tool on the side of the urinal to knock the drops off.
Drunken Type
Pulls out his tool, sees two, puts one back and pees in his trousers.
Embarrased Type
Covers his tool with both hands as he stands there and pees through his fingers.
Cockeyed Type
Stands in one cubical and pees in next.
Scared Type
Those that look at the wall because they are scared to look at what they're holding.
Breasts!
Perfect breasts
(o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts
( + )( + )
Perky breasts
(*)(*)
Big nipple breasts
(@)(@)
A cups
o o
D cups
{ O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts
(oYo)
Cold breasts
( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts
(o)(O)
Pierced Breasts
(Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts
\ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts
( )( )
Android Breasts
| o | | o |
Martha Stewart's Breasts
($)($)
____________
(. .) 18 YEARS
).(
( * )
____________
( o o ) 25Y
) . (
( * )
____________
( O O ) 35 Y
) o (
( * )
Little Johnny in Biology Class
In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the board: "Children, could someone tell me what this is?"
Little Johnny raises his hand: "It's a cock, Teacher!" The teacher bursts into tears and runs out.
In a minute the principal bursts in: "Alright, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday you break a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you draw a cock on the blackboard?"
Little Johnny raises his hand: "It's a cock, Teacher!" The teacher bursts into tears and runs out.
In a minute the principal bursts in: "Alright, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday you break a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you draw a cock on the blackboard?"
Jesus and Satan
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I willjudge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the powerwent off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I willjudge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the powerwent off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES
Fridays at Hell!
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?""Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggieYou're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . "
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?""Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggieYou're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . "
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
Dear Abby?
Q: My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
Good Morning, Room Service!
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"
Why did Chicken cross the road?
1: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove he was no chicken.
2: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: His dick was stuck in the chicken.
A: To prove he was no chicken.
2: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: His dick was stuck in the chicken.
Learn at School
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Ms Margo exclaimed, "Here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."
"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Ms Margo exclaimed, "Here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."
You are so ugly!
Little Johnny said to his Aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you!"
His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.
"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"
Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly."
His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.
"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"
Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly."
Who's On First for the Next Generation
Who's On First for the Next Generation
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
Traffic Cop
I was flying down the road yesterday (ie 20 mph over the limit). I passed under a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait. He pulled me over, walked to the car and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked "What's your hurry?"
To which I replied "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah", said the policeman, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The policeman stammered, "A what?; A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" To which I politely replied, "you give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
Traffic ticket 195.00 Court costs 45.00 The look on his face:
Priceless
To which I replied "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah", said the policeman, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The policeman stammered, "A what?; A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" To which I politely replied, "you give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
Traffic ticket 195.00 Court costs 45.00 The look on his face:
Priceless
Towel Head?
Did you hear that it offends Arabs when you call them a towel-head? Turns out it's really more similar to a sheet. so let's all be correct in calling them sheet-heads from now on!
An Italian visiting America
Ima visiting cusin Paulo in Amareeka an' Ima stay in bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want to piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.
So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.
So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy.
Work History
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only sew-sew anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but it was exhausting work.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
Then I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company for awhile, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only sew-sew anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but it was exhausting work.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
Then I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company for awhile, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
Michael Jackson
Q: What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?
A: They both come on little crackers.
A woman is sunbathing at the beach when michael jackson stops right in front of her.
She shouts - hey! get out of my sun...
A: They both come on little crackers.
A woman is sunbathing at the beach when michael jackson stops right in front of her.
She shouts - hey! get out of my sun...
Gone Fishin?
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, and here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down?"
She replied "Up."
This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "FUCK or DROWN"
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, and here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down?"
She replied "Up."
This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "FUCK or DROWN"
Expensive Perfume
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and lets go the smelliest fart and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and lets go the smelliest fart and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.
Monkey and Lizard
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side,then asks the lizard, "whats the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side,then asks the lizard, "whats the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
Pope vs. Jews
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy.
If the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate.
However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
Next...the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten... that Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had me beaten at my every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile...the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe.
"How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger!
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him we're staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moshe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine.
He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy.
If the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate.
However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
Next...the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten... that Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had me beaten at my every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile...the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe.
"How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger!
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him we're staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moshe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine.
Chicken Little
The first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. Coming to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer, she read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling!'"
The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
Coffin ?
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops!
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops!
Sex pop quiz
Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife,but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. ummm
Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your Dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife,but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. ummm
Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your Dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Dorm Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"
The Italian Way of Doing Maths
An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test "Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of Da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!".....
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred.. So, when I start?"
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of Da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!".....
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred.. So, when I start?"
Prostitute is like a Gas Station?
How is a prostitute like a gas station?
Open all night, and you pay before you start pumpin'.
Open all night, and you pay before you start pumpin'.
Little Johnny and a Salesman
A salesman walks up to a house and knocks on the door. Nine year old Johnny answers. Little Johnny has a beer in one hand and a lit cigar in the other.The salesman says, "Hello, are your parents here?"
The boy takes a swig of beer and flicks his cigar onto the carpet and says "what the hell do you think."
The boy takes a swig of beer and flicks his cigar onto the carpet and says "what the hell do you think."
What Do You Call A Guy With No Arms and Legs....
What Do You Call A Guy With No Arms and Legs....
In a swiming pool?
Bob
On a wall?
Art
In a pile of leaves?
Russell
On stage?
Mike
Lying on the floor?
Matt
In a hole?
Doug
In a hole in your backyard?
Phil
In a wheelchair?
Rollaids
In a mailbox?
Bill
In a bathtub?
Stu
In a Pot?
Stu
In a trail?
Rock
Water skiing?
Skip
After he let go of the rope?
Bob
In front of your door?
Matt
Carrying your food?
Tre
With a farmer?
Dale
Holding curtains?
Rod
Helping others walk?
Kane
Propping up a car?
Jack
Left on a grill?
Frank
Girl left on a gril?
Patty
In a swiming pool?
Bob
On a wall?
Art
In a pile of leaves?
Russell
On stage?
Mike
Lying on the floor?
Matt
In a hole?
Doug
In a hole in your backyard?
Phil
In a wheelchair?
Rollaids
In a mailbox?
Bill
In a bathtub?
Stu
In a Pot?
Stu
In a trail?
Rock
Water skiing?
Skip
After he let go of the rope?
Bob
In front of your door?
Matt
Carrying your food?
Tre
With a farmer?
Dale
Holding curtains?
Rod
Helping others walk?
Kane
Propping up a car?
Jack
Left on a grill?
Frank
Girl left on a gril?
Patty
Need a Push?
A man is in bed with his wife when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over, looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" his wife says.
He drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, and opens the door to see there's a man standing there apparently drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," he says and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,
"Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts,
"Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
"Aren't you going to answer that?" his wife says.
He drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, and opens the door to see there's a man standing there apparently drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," he says and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,
"Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts,
"Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
Generous Lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Will He Jump?
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair is fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money....
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair is fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money....
The immigration controversy? in Haiku
Fly the flag proudly
Show love for your new country
Oops, some brought wrong ones
Law must be enforced
But which law is important?
Law of economics
There are twelve million
Undocumented workers
Then how do they know?
“We shall overcome”
Sung in Spanish in Jackson
They mean the new fence?
Immigrants do the work
No one else wants to do
Like passing laws?
Show love for your new country
Oops, some brought wrong ones
Law must be enforced
But which law is important?
Law of economics
There are twelve million
Undocumented workers
Then how do they know?
“We shall overcome”
Sung in Spanish in Jackson
They mean the new fence?
Immigrants do the work
No one else wants to do
Like passing laws?
Tutorial in Office Lingo?
Frank Lingua, president and CEO of Dissembling Associates, is the nation’s leading purveyor of buzzwords, catch phrases, and Clichés for people too busy to speak in plain English.
“Business Finance” contributing editor Dan Danbom interviewed Lingua in his New York City office.
Danbom: Is being a Cliché expert a full-time job?
Lingua: Bottom line is I have a full plate 24/7.
D: Is it hard to keep up with the seemingly endless supply of
Clichés that spew from business?
L: Some days, I don’t have the bandwidth. It’s like drinking
from a fire hydrant.
D: So it’s difficult?
L: Harder than nailing Jell-O to the wall.
D: Where do most Clichés come from?
L: Stakeholders push the envelope until it’s outside the box.
D: How do you track them once they’ve been coined?
L: It’s like herding cats.
D: Can you predict whether a phrase is going to become a
Cliché?
L: Yes. I skate to where the puck’s going to be. Because if
you aren’t the lead dog, you’re not providing a customer-
centric proactive solution.
D: Give us a new buzzword that we’ll be hearing ad nauseam.
L: “Enronitis” could be a next-generation player.
D: Do people understand your role as a Cliché expert?
L: No, they can’t get their arms around that. But they
aren’t incented to.
D: How do people know you’re a Cliché expert?
L: I walk the walk and talk the talk.
D: Did incomprehensibility come naturally to you?
L: I wasn’t wired that way, but it became mission-critical as
I strategically focused on my go-forward plan.
D: What did you do to develop this talent?
L: It’s not rocket science. It’s not brain surgery. When
you drill down to the granular level, it’s just basic
blocking and tackling.
D: How do you know if you’re successful in your work?
L: At the end of the day, it’s all about robust, world-class
language solutions.
D: How do you stay ahead of others in the buzzword industry?
L: Net-net, my value proposition is based on maximizing
synergies and being first to market with a leveraged,
value-added deliverable. That’s the opportunity space on
a level playing field.
D: Does everyone in business eventually devolve into the sort
of mindless drivel you spout?
L: If you walk like a duck and talk like a duck, you’re a
duck. They all drink the Kool-Aid.
D: Do you read “Dilbert” in the newspaper?
L: My knowledge base is deselective of fiber media.
D: Does that mean “no”?
L: Negative.
D: Does THAT mean “no”?
L: Let’s take your issues offline.
D: No, we are not going to take them “offline.”
L: You have a result-driven mind-set that isn’t a strategic
fit with my game plan.
D: I want to push your face in.
L: Your call is very important to me.
D: How can you live with yourself?
L: I eat my own dog food. My vision is to monetize scalable
supply chains.
D: When are you going to quit this?
L: I may eventually exit the business to pursue other career
opportunities.
D: I hate you.
L: Take it and run with it.
Money & Church
A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ...."
The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ...."
The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
An Angry Pie Walks into the Bar?
... and sits at the counter and orders a beer, the bartender says
"hey arent you a pie " and the pie says yea why...do you want a piece of me "
"hey arent you a pie " and the pie says yea why...do you want a piece of me "
5 Rules For Men To Follow A Happy Life
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
Pilot and Mechanics
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics aboutproblems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and thesolutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only majorairline that has never had an accident.
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and thesolutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only majorairline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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