Ode to Oral Sex

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yucky stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.

Loving words - romantic poetry

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me grannies grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I Was ever gonna get
No matter what you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the hockey's on
And fetch another beer.

Snow White

Snow White was desperate for a fuck
She went to the woods to try her luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up

Romantic Rhymes

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but the least romantic second line

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime