A guy is driving his truck down the road one day, and he sees a cowboy waving him down on the side of the road. As he pulls up to him, the cowboy pulls out a huge gun, points it at him, and yells "Get out of the car right now!"
Scared out of his wits, the driver gets out of the car where the cowboy leads him off the road a bit. The cowboy, still frantically pointing the gun at him, yells "I want you to beat off!"
"What?!?!?"
The Cowboy sticks the gun in his nose and yells "You heard me, now beat off!" The guy reluctantly complies. He's about to zip-up and the cowboy yells "Do it again!!!!"
"Huh?"
"Do it again, or I'll blow your head off!!!!"
The guy struggles and manages to do it again. As he completes it, the cowboy yells "Again!!!!".
The guy says "There's no way!"
"Do it or your dead!"
He struggles and struggles, gets it up, and manages to get a little drop out. Totally exhausted, he's laying there on the ground. The cowboy turns his head to the left and whistles real loud. I drop-dead gorgeous girl steps out from behind a rock and starts walking over.
The cowboy pushes his hat back on his head and says "Gee, Mister, would you give my sister a ride into town?"
Showing posts with label masturbation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label masturbation. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Friday, November 24, 2006
Double dose of Viagra...
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will
be here on Saturday. My wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I
must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you
have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there
are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling. The doctor
asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will
be here on Saturday. My wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I
must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you
have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there
are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling. The doctor
asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up
The World is Nuts - Here Is Proof
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of .... ?)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
And, the best for last:
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of .... ?)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
And, the best for last:
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Monday, October 09, 2006
Bright Orange Dick?
So this guy goes to the doctor for a physical. As soon as he drops his pants the doctor says,
"My word, your penis is bright orange!"
"Yeah, I know, doc, and I dunno what causes it... been like that for months."
The doctor takes a closer examination, shakes his head, and says he has never seen anything like it in his life. Then he starts asking the patient more questions, such as about his sex life ("I ain't got none, sir.") or about diseases ("None that I know of, sir.")
Finally, the doctor asks him about his daily living habits.
"Well, I go to work every day, and on the way home I always rent a video and buy a bag of Cheetos."
"My word, your penis is bright orange!"
"Yeah, I know, doc, and I dunno what causes it... been like that for months."
The doctor takes a closer examination, shakes his head, and says he has never seen anything like it in his life. Then he starts asking the patient more questions, such as about his sex life ("I ain't got none, sir.") or about diseases ("None that I know of, sir.")
Finally, the doctor asks him about his daily living habits.
"Well, I go to work every day, and on the way home I always rent a video and buy a bag of Cheetos."
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Synonyms for Masturbation
For Men:
Blueball baseball
Caping the crusader
Cheating on your left hand
Choke the chicken
Clampin the cucumber
Committing mass spermicide
Date with miss michigan
Five knuckle shuffle
Flicking the bean
Foreplay with Fistina
Going on a date with Hangela and Vaselina
Grippin the gipper
"I'll be in the bathroom reading, Dear!". Ofcourse, spraying some air freshner afterwards makes it more believable!
Jerkin the chicken
Jerkin' the gerkin
Make the bald guy spit
Milking the trouser snake
Peeling some chilies
Playin the plunger
Playing a little 5 on 1
Polishin the pole
Polishing the porksword
Pullin the pud
Punchin' the munchkin
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Rosting the donut
Rosy palm and her 5 sisters
Roughing up the Suspect
Shaking Hands With The Unemployed
Slappin the monkey
Spanking the monkey
Spittin spunk
Strokin the poker
Taking old one eye to see the optometrist
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Tenderizing the tube steak
Tube sock tango
Waxing your stinger
Work the hand cream dispenser
Wrestling the bald headed champion
Yank da crank
Yank my Doodle (It's a Dandy)
Yanking your crank
Yanking your Yoda
Zipper Olympics
For Women:
Applying lip gloss
Applying nail polish remover
Banging the box
Bashing the gash
Basting the tuna
Beating around the bush
Beating the Beaver
Brushing your afro
Butterin' the muffin
Checking my oil
Diddle the middle
Doodling the noodle
Draining your tuna
Paddlin' the pink canoe
Parting the Red Sea
Polishing my shoes
Producing whore moans (hormones, get it? ;^)
Putting out the fire
Reading braille
Stinky pinky
Stirring the honey pot
Strumming C Minor
The disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal
Blueball baseball
Caping the crusader
Cheating on your left hand
Choke the chicken
Clampin the cucumber
Committing mass spermicide
Date with miss michigan
Five knuckle shuffle
Flicking the bean
Foreplay with Fistina
Going on a date with Hangela and Vaselina
Grippin the gipper
"I'll be in the bathroom reading, Dear!". Ofcourse, spraying some air freshner afterwards makes it more believable!
Jerkin the chicken
Jerkin' the gerkin
Make the bald guy spit
Milking the trouser snake
Peeling some chilies
Playin the plunger
Playing a little 5 on 1
Polishin the pole
Polishing the porksword
Pullin the pud
Punchin' the munchkin
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Rosting the donut
Rosy palm and her 5 sisters
Roughing up the Suspect
Shaking Hands With The Unemployed
Slappin the monkey
Spanking the monkey
Spittin spunk
Strokin the poker
Taking old one eye to see the optometrist
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Tenderizing the tube steak
Tube sock tango
Waxing your stinger
Work the hand cream dispenser
Wrestling the bald headed champion
Yank da crank
Yank my Doodle (It's a Dandy)
Yanking your crank
Yanking your Yoda
Zipper Olympics
For Women:
Applying lip gloss
Applying nail polish remover
Banging the box
Bashing the gash
Basting the tuna
Beating around the bush
Beating the Beaver
Brushing your afro
Butterin' the muffin
Checking my oil
Diddle the middle
Doodling the noodle
Draining your tuna
Paddlin' the pink canoe
Parting the Red Sea
Polishing my shoes
Producing whore moans (hormones, get it? ;^)
Putting out the fire
Reading braille
Stinky pinky
Stirring the honey pot
Strumming C Minor
The disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal
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