Tiger's Ex

A guy took his new girlfriend to a bed and breakfast.

The girlfriend casually mentions, "Yeah, my previous boyfriend is a well known guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

The couple make passionate love later in the day.

When they are done, the guy gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the girl.

The guy says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The guy puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The guy again says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The girl asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Safeway Murder - groaner

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department tumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this . . .) But scan down







'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT LOCAL SAFEWAY'