Forum Fodder
(An actual article printed in Penthouse Forum)
I never thought I would ever have an experience like I frequently read about in your magazine--and I was right.
It was ten minutes past five o'clock at the office, and I was just getting started with a bunch of work that was due the next morning. When I saw how much needed to be done, I called out to my secretary.
Denise is a leggy blonde with the most perfect set of tits I have ever seen, and I have often imagined what it would be like to fuck her.
Unfortunately, she had already left for the day. I didn't even have the chance to ask her to stay late and help me. Therefore, we weren't there until midnight, and upon completion of the work, I did not offer her a beer. There was no conversation that turned to sex, and I did not compliment her on her terrific body.
In no way whatsoever did she suddenly pounce on me and force her tongue down my throat. Nor did her hand ever find the bulge in my pants. Had anyone been there, they would not have seen her lick her full lips nor heard her say, 'I've been wanting to fuck your fat cock ever since I started working here,' or any other sexually suggestive remark.
In fact, Bob from marketing did stop by to see how I was getting on. Just ask him if he heard or saw anything of the kind.
Her unzipping my fly and exposing my blood-engorged member is pure fiction, as is any notion of her first licking the precome ooze from the head of my throbbing cock before putting the whole length of it in her mouth and sucking it in long, slow movements. I was not brought to the brink of orgasm again and again--or even once--only to have her stop right before I came. Likewise, I cannot say that she was begging for me to fuck her aching pussy.
I don't know what Denise was doing that night, but she certainly wasn't pulling up her dress and guiding my hand to the passion-soaked crotch of her panties. Needless to say, I didn't put one finger, then two, into her steamy sex, making her squeal with delight.
She never took off her panties while fixing me with a gaze of pure lust. And though it's true that I was sitting in my chair that evening, she was definitely not straddling me, guiding my love shaft into her pulsating pussy. We didn't fuck like two animals in the forest, and, I'm sorry to say, I never had the opportunity to explore the innermost recesses of her pleasure cave with my cock.
If she reached down and rubbed her clit that night, it wasn't with me, and if she had a shuddering orgasm that let loose a cascade of pussy juice, I missed it. My man-tool was not waiting to explode. I never took it out of her pussy or, while it was slippery with her juices, jacked off, sending a shower of hot, steamy come all over her neck and chest.
Nope. Nothing like that. I worked until about two, then I went home.
--Name and address withheld
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Personal Ads - Buff exec Seeks Frumpy Gal, Soured on Romance
Buff exec seeks frumpy gal, soured on romance.
Hey there! I'm a tall, fit, successful, Beemer driving, 34 yo, vgl SWM looking for a romance/LTR with a shorter, rounder, kinda sarcastic and cynical woman in her mid 20s to early 40s. A plus if you're Asian and relentlessly shallow and materialistic! Must be ready to push me around, make me do the shopping, cooking, etc. You should have a chip on both shoulders and a bad attitude and be completely soured on love and men in general. Let me carry all your baggage. I know you're looking for work and plan to get back to the gym...so you may only have just 3 or 4 days a week to hang out and make me feel bad, but that will have to do...after all, it's what you want that counts. And of course...no sex until we have lost interest.
ciao
Hey there! I'm a tall, fit, successful, Beemer driving, 34 yo, vgl SWM looking for a romance/LTR with a shorter, rounder, kinda sarcastic and cynical woman in her mid 20s to early 40s. A plus if you're Asian and relentlessly shallow and materialistic! Must be ready to push me around, make me do the shopping, cooking, etc. You should have a chip on both shoulders and a bad attitude and be completely soured on love and men in general. Let me carry all your baggage. I know you're looking for work and plan to get back to the gym...so you may only have just 3 or 4 days a week to hang out and make me feel bad, but that will have to do...after all, it's what you want that counts. And of course...no sex until we have lost interest.
ciao
Personality Types by Farting
What kinda person are you?
VAIN: A person who loves the smell of his own farts
AMIABLE: A person who loves the smell of other people's farts
PROUD: A person who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine
SHY: A person who releases silent farts and then blushes
IMPUDENT: A person who boldly farts out loud and then laughs
UNFORTUNATE: A person who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead
SCIENTIFIC: A person who farts regularly but is only concerned
about pollution
NERVOUS: A person who stops in the middle of his fart
HONEST: A person who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons
DISHONEST: A person who farts and then blames the dog
FOOLISH: A person who suppresses a fart for hours and hours
THRIFTY: A person who has several good farts in reserve
ANTI-SOCIAL: A person who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy
STRATEGIC: A person who conceals his farts with loud coughing
SADISTIC: A person who farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bedmate.
INTELLECTUAL: A person who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's
fart precisely the latest food item consumed.
ATHLETIC: A person who farts at the slightest exertion
MISERABLE: A person who would truly love to, but can't fart at all
SENSITIVE: A person who farts and then starts crying
VAIN: A person who loves the smell of his own farts
AMIABLE: A person who loves the smell of other people's farts
PROUD: A person who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine
SHY: A person who releases silent farts and then blushes
IMPUDENT: A person who boldly farts out loud and then laughs
UNFORTUNATE: A person who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead
SCIENTIFIC: A person who farts regularly but is only concerned
about pollution
NERVOUS: A person who stops in the middle of his fart
HONEST: A person who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons
DISHONEST: A person who farts and then blames the dog
FOOLISH: A person who suppresses a fart for hours and hours
THRIFTY: A person who has several good farts in reserve
ANTI-SOCIAL: A person who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy
STRATEGIC: A person who conceals his farts with loud coughing
SADISTIC: A person who farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bedmate.
INTELLECTUAL: A person who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's
fart precisely the latest food item consumed.
ATHLETIC: A person who farts at the slightest exertion
MISERABLE: A person who would truly love to, but can't fart at all
SENSITIVE: A person who farts and then starts crying
Types of Shit
THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.
THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
THE "YOU'VE GOT SHIT ON YOUR SHOES, YOU SHIT SHOE BASTARD" SHIT
No explanation required.
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.
THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
THE "YOU'VE GOT SHIT ON YOUR SHOES, YOU SHIT SHOE BASTARD" SHIT
No explanation required.
Bar at the Top of Space Needle
A black guy walks into a bar at the top of the Space Needle.
This white guy at the bar starts a conversation with him. The white dude says to him "Hey, if you jump out the window, the air currents will spin you around a couple of times and then you'll fly right back in. Watch this..."
So the man in the bar leaps out the window and he spins around and falls back in the room and says, "now you try". The black man still doesn't believe and asks the white guy to show again.
And again, the white man leaps out, spins and floats right back in.
The black man says "WOW! I want to try!".
So he leaps out the window and falls and splats on the ground.
The bartender watching this shakes his head and says "Superman is fuckin with the niggers again."
ALTERNATE:
The bartender says to the first man "Gee Superman, you're a real dick when you're drunk."
This white guy at the bar starts a conversation with him. The white dude says to him "Hey, if you jump out the window, the air currents will spin you around a couple of times and then you'll fly right back in. Watch this..."
So the man in the bar leaps out the window and he spins around and falls back in the room and says, "now you try". The black man still doesn't believe and asks the white guy to show again.
And again, the white man leaps out, spins and floats right back in.
The black man says "WOW! I want to try!".
So he leaps out the window and falls and splats on the ground.
The bartender watching this shakes his head and says "Superman is fuckin with the niggers again."
ALTERNATE:
The bartender says to the first man "Gee Superman, you're a real dick when you're drunk."
Currency Exchange
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted,
"Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted,
"Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
Incident in a Plane
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach shouted back,
"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach shouted back,
"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Synonyms for Masturbation
For Men:
Blueball baseball
Caping the crusader
Cheating on your left hand
Choke the chicken
Clampin the cucumber
Committing mass spermicide
Date with miss michigan
Five knuckle shuffle
Flicking the bean
Foreplay with Fistina
Going on a date with Hangela and Vaselina
Grippin the gipper
"I'll be in the bathroom reading, Dear!". Ofcourse, spraying some air freshner afterwards makes it more believable!
Jerkin the chicken
Jerkin' the gerkin
Make the bald guy spit
Milking the trouser snake
Peeling some chilies
Playin the plunger
Playing a little 5 on 1
Polishin the pole
Polishing the porksword
Pullin the pud
Punchin' the munchkin
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Rosting the donut
Rosy palm and her 5 sisters
Roughing up the Suspect
Shaking Hands With The Unemployed
Slappin the monkey
Spanking the monkey
Spittin spunk
Strokin the poker
Taking old one eye to see the optometrist
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Tenderizing the tube steak
Tube sock tango
Waxing your stinger
Work the hand cream dispenser
Wrestling the bald headed champion
Yank da crank
Yank my Doodle (It's a Dandy)
Yanking your crank
Yanking your Yoda
Zipper Olympics
For Women:
Applying lip gloss
Applying nail polish remover
Banging the box
Bashing the gash
Basting the tuna
Beating around the bush
Beating the Beaver
Brushing your afro
Butterin' the muffin
Checking my oil
Diddle the middle
Doodling the noodle
Draining your tuna
Paddlin' the pink canoe
Parting the Red Sea
Polishing my shoes
Producing whore moans (hormones, get it? ;^)
Putting out the fire
Reading braille
Stinky pinky
Stirring the honey pot
Strumming C Minor
The disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal
Blueball baseball
Caping the crusader
Cheating on your left hand
Choke the chicken
Clampin the cucumber
Committing mass spermicide
Date with miss michigan
Five knuckle shuffle
Flicking the bean
Foreplay with Fistina
Going on a date with Hangela and Vaselina
Grippin the gipper
"I'll be in the bathroom reading, Dear!". Ofcourse, spraying some air freshner afterwards makes it more believable!
Jerkin the chicken
Jerkin' the gerkin
Make the bald guy spit
Milking the trouser snake
Peeling some chilies
Playin the plunger
Playing a little 5 on 1
Polishin the pole
Polishing the porksword
Pullin the pud
Punchin' the munchkin
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Rosting the donut
Rosy palm and her 5 sisters
Roughing up the Suspect
Shaking Hands With The Unemployed
Slappin the monkey
Spanking the monkey
Spittin spunk
Strokin the poker
Taking old one eye to see the optometrist
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Tenderizing the tube steak
Tube sock tango
Waxing your stinger
Work the hand cream dispenser
Wrestling the bald headed champion
Yank da crank
Yank my Doodle (It's a Dandy)
Yanking your crank
Yanking your Yoda
Zipper Olympics
For Women:
Applying lip gloss
Applying nail polish remover
Banging the box
Bashing the gash
Basting the tuna
Beating around the bush
Beating the Beaver
Brushing your afro
Butterin' the muffin
Checking my oil
Diddle the middle
Doodling the noodle
Draining your tuna
Paddlin' the pink canoe
Parting the Red Sea
Polishing my shoes
Producing whore moans (hormones, get it? ;^)
Putting out the fire
Reading braille
Stinky pinky
Stirring the honey pot
Strumming C Minor
The disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal
Unpublished Children's Books
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mommy's Purse
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
Barney: The Prison Years
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mommy's Purse
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
Barney: The Prison Years
That's Not It
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Grandma Doesn't Know Everything
Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but being forward thinker that she was, decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." And after considerable details, Little Johnny just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.
She was a little taken aback, but being forward thinker that she was, decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." And after considerable details, Little Johnny just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.
My Daily Exercise Routine
These days I get my exercise:
- Jumping to conclusions
- Flying off the handle
- Dodging responsibilities
- Bending the rules
- Running down everything
- Circulating rumors
- Passing the buck
- Stirring up trouble
- Shooting the bull
- Digging up dirt
- Slinging mud
- Throwing my weight around
- Beating the system
- And pushing my luck
Four Presidents Go To Oz
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado, and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard...
The wizard says "What brings the four of you before the Great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said: I've come for some courage.
No Problem! said the Wizard.
Who's next?
Richard Nixon stepped forward, Well, I think I need a heart.
Done! says the Wizard.
Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?
Up stepped Bush and said, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.
No problem! said the Wizard. Consider it done!
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, Well, what do you want?
IS DOROTHY HERE?
They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard...
The wizard says "What brings the four of you before the Great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said: I've come for some courage.
No Problem! said the Wizard.
Who's next?
Richard Nixon stepped forward, Well, I think I need a heart.
Done! says the Wizard.
Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?
Up stepped Bush and said, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.
No problem! said the Wizard. Consider it done!
Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, Well, what do you want?
IS DOROTHY HERE?
Sex with the Teacher
A 10 year old boy goes home from school and as his mom is giving him cookies and milk she asks, "How was your day at school?"
The boy replies, "Good."
The mom askes, "What did you do today?"
He replies, "Oh, not much. But I did have sex with one of my teachers."
The mom becomes mad and sends the boy to his room. She said he would have to talk with his father that night when he returns from work.
Later when the father hears the news he is elated and yells, "That's my boy!" He is so happy that he takes his son down to the local bike shop and buys him a new mountain bike. He brags about it to all his buddies.
On the way home the dad says, "You can go ahead and ride your bike home if you like, I'll meet you there."
The son replies, "No thanks, my ass is still really sore."
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Lady Lawyer
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."
He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."
He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
Romantic Rhymes
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but the least romantic second line
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
Why English Teachers Die Young
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.
Here are last year's winners.....
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.
Here are last year's winners.....
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Porno Mom
A young woman awaiting admittance to a maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I don't have a husband." she replies.
"Do you have a partner then?" asks the midwife.
"No. I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth, the midwife tells the young woman "You have a healthy, bouncing, baby girl, but I must warn you that she is black."
"That's no surpise," replies the new mother. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry!" says the midwife. "But I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"That figures," the women replies. "The black actor's co-star was Swedish."
"The baby also has slanted eyes," said the midwife.
"There was a little Chinese man in the movie as well," said the new mother.
At this, the midwife presents the baby to its mother, who immediately gives the baby a slap on the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims "Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife.
"Well," says the mother. "I was worried that she was going to bark."
"I don't have a husband." she replies.
"Do you have a partner then?" asks the midwife.
"No. I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth, the midwife tells the young woman "You have a healthy, bouncing, baby girl, but I must warn you that she is black."
"That's no surpise," replies the new mother. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry!" says the midwife. "But I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"That figures," the women replies. "The black actor's co-star was Swedish."
"The baby also has slanted eyes," said the midwife.
"There was a little Chinese man in the movie as well," said the new mother.
At this, the midwife presents the baby to its mother, who immediately gives the baby a slap on the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims "Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife.
"Well," says the mother. "I was worried that she was going to bark."
XXX Files
An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a slightly drunk, but well-dressed gentleman. He starts poking the gentleman in the shoulder with his long, knobby finger.
At first the man is too drunk to notice and he ignores this invasion.
After a while though, he turns his bleary eyes upon the alien and looks him over from the tip of his antenna to the three toes on his foot. His eyes return to the alien’s crotch and he says, “You aliens have no sex organs. How do you have sex?”
The alien still poking him rhythmically just smiles.
At first the man is too drunk to notice and he ignores this invasion.
After a while though, he turns his bleary eyes upon the alien and looks him over from the tip of his antenna to the three toes on his foot. His eyes return to the alien’s crotch and he says, “You aliens have no sex organs. How do you have sex?”
The alien still poking him rhythmically just smiles.
Dear Tech Support....
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Reply: Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\"I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Reply: Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\"I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Twins?
A very mean and very unattractive woman walks into a Store with her two kids.
The young man at the counter helped her patiently while listening to her obnoxious requests, finally asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says, "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
The young man at the counter helped her patiently while listening to her obnoxious requests, finally asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says, "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
A Friend With Two Black Eyes
A friend of mine had 2 blackeyes and I asked him what happened.
"I was in church, and when it was time to stand, I noticed the woman in the pew in front of me had the back of her dress stuck in the crack of her ass. Wanting to help, I pulled it out for her, and she turned around and whacked my right eye".
"What about the other eye?", I asked.
"Well, not wanting to offend her, when she turned around, I stuck it back in".
"I was in church, and when it was time to stand, I noticed the woman in the pew in front of me had the back of her dress stuck in the crack of her ass. Wanting to help, I pulled it out for her, and she turned around and whacked my right eye".
"What about the other eye?", I asked.
"Well, not wanting to offend her, when she turned around, I stuck it back in".
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Sexual Conquests
In a conversation between friends, Mike, a guy who thought himself to be quite the ladies man, brags to his friends "Hey, you guys remember Sonia? I fucked her!"
All his friends are shocked and his friend Pete even exclaims "I can't believe it!"
Mike continues "And Lorena? I fucked her, too!" Again Pete gasps "I can't believe it!" As Mike announces conquest after conquest, Pete continues to show complete shock.
Finally, irritated, Mike asks Pete, "What is your problem, you don't believe I am getting all these women?" to which Pete responds, "No, I believe you... it's just incredible, between you and your wife, you guys are fucking nearly the whole town!"
All his friends are shocked and his friend Pete even exclaims "I can't believe it!"
Mike continues "And Lorena? I fucked her, too!" Again Pete gasps "I can't believe it!" As Mike announces conquest after conquest, Pete continues to show complete shock.
Finally, irritated, Mike asks Pete, "What is your problem, you don't believe I am getting all these women?" to which Pete responds, "No, I believe you... it's just incredible, between you and your wife, you guys are fucking nearly the whole town!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)