The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Showing posts with label penis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label penis. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Friday, November 24, 2006
Mr. Penis Requests a Promotion
Mr. Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
- has to work hard
- has to work at great depths
- has to work upside down
- has no ventilation or air conditioned work environment
- has to work in a high humidity environment
- has to work at high temperatures
- does not get weekends and holidays off
- does not get time off after extra hours of work
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes illness
Management Reply:
- Request denied ------- for the following reasons
- does not work 8 hours straight during any work period
- does not answer immediately to all requests
- coworkers often unsatisfied by job performance
- after a short activity period, falls asleep
- shows no evidence of fidelity at the workplace
- works better alone than with others
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
- sometimes leaves work too early
- has to work hard
- has to work at great depths
- has to work upside down
- has no ventilation or air conditioned work environment
- has to work in a high humidity environment
- has to work at high temperatures
- does not get weekends and holidays off
- does not get time off after extra hours of work
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes illness
Management Reply:
- Request denied ------- for the following reasons
- does not work 8 hours straight during any work period
- does not answer immediately to all requests
- coworkers often unsatisfied by job performance
- after a short activity period, falls asleep
- shows no evidence of fidelity at the workplace
- works better alone than with others
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
- sometimes leaves work too early
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Ode to Oral Sex
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yucky stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yucky stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Misogynist Jokes
Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Q. Why did God invent the yeast infection?
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.
Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.
Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
Q. Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A. The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A. A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.
Q. Why are women like screen doors?
A. Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
Q. How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner?
A. Why the fuck should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!
Q. What's the most active muscle in a woman?
A. The penis.
Q. How are women like parking spaces?
A. The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
Q. What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex?
A. It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to the woman.
Q. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A. You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q. Why do women have periods?
A. Because they deserve them.
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.
Q. What do you do when the dishwasher won't work?
A. Kick her.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Q. Why did God invent the yeast infection?
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.
Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.
Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
Q. Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A. The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A. A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.
Q. Why are women like screen doors?
A. Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
Q. How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner?
A. Why the fuck should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!
Q. What's the most active muscle in a woman?
A. The penis.
Q. How are women like parking spaces?
A. The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
Q. What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex?
A. It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to the woman.
Q. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A. You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q. Why do women have periods?
A. Because they deserve them.
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.
Q. What do you do when the dishwasher won't work?
A. Kick her.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Bright Orange Dick?
So this guy goes to the doctor for a physical. As soon as he drops his pants the doctor says,
"My word, your penis is bright orange!"
"Yeah, I know, doc, and I dunno what causes it... been like that for months."
The doctor takes a closer examination, shakes his head, and says he has never seen anything like it in his life. Then he starts asking the patient more questions, such as about his sex life ("I ain't got none, sir.") or about diseases ("None that I know of, sir.")
Finally, the doctor asks him about his daily living habits.
"Well, I go to work every day, and on the way home I always rent a video and buy a bag of Cheetos."
"My word, your penis is bright orange!"
"Yeah, I know, doc, and I dunno what causes it... been like that for months."
The doctor takes a closer examination, shakes his head, and says he has never seen anything like it in his life. Then he starts asking the patient more questions, such as about his sex life ("I ain't got none, sir.") or about diseases ("None that I know of, sir.")
Finally, the doctor asks him about his daily living habits.
"Well, I go to work every day, and on the way home I always rent a video and buy a bag of Cheetos."
Sunday, August 20, 2006
The Most Venomous Snake In The World
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
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