Story of an Evening

HER SIDE OF THE STORY
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.

Loving words - romantic poetry

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me grannies grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I Was ever gonna get
No matter what you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the hockey's on
And fetch another beer.

Dear Tech Support....

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate


Reply: Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\"I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME" and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Loud Sex vs. Quiet Sex

LOUD SEX:

A wife went to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he makes loud noices"

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

Evening Classes For Men And Women

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN

1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
2. Bathroom paper rolls: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.
3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and graphics.
4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink?
5. Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Help line and support groups.
6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open Forum.
7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
10. Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife. On-line class and role-playing.
11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
12. How to fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late.


NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR WOMEN

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
2. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
3. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
4. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
5. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
6. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
7. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
8. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want Without Nagging
9. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
10. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
11. Introduction to Parking
12. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
13. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
14. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
15. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
16. Cooking III: How NOT to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
17. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
18. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
19. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
20. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have Worn

What They Mean When They Say?

WOMEN:

1. Yes MEANS No
2. No MEANS Yes
3. Maybe MEANS No
4. We need... MEANS I want.
5. I am sorry MEANS you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk MEANS I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead MEANS I don't want you to
8. Do what you want MEANS You'll pay for this later
9. I am not upset MEANS Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? MEANS Too late, you're toast
11. You have to learn to communicate MEANS Just agree with me you moron!
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights MEANS I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? MEANS I am going to ask for something very expensive
15. It's your decision MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute MEANS Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? MEANS I did something today and you're really not going to like it.



MEN'S
1. I am hungry MEANS I am hungry
2. I am sleepy MEANS I am sleepy
3. I am tired MEANS I am tired
4. Nice dress MEANS Nice cleavage!
5. I love you MEANS Let's have sex now
6. I am bored MEANS Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? MEANS I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? MEANS I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? MEANS I want to make it illegal for other men to to have sex with you.
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage MEANS I want to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes!
14. Let's talk MEANS I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and, well I'd like to have sex with you.

Dear Abby?

Q: My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

How to shower like a ...

How to shower like a woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look in the mirror, look at your wiener and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.