Joe was successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He decided to start with a new wardrobe. He entered the most expensive men's clothing store and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Funeral Costs
A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that, "There is absolutely nothing left from the $30,000."
The friend asks, "How can that be?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church and that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone?
My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Four and a half carats."
The friend asks, "How can that be?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church and that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone?
My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Four and a half carats."
What's the Camel For?
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour,
"What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
"What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
No sex since 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him severaltimes. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him severaltimes. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Worst Day Of Life
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time." says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life." says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with
the neighbor. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life.......
...and then, you show up and drink the poison."
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time." says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life." says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with
the neighbor. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life.......
...and then, you show up and drink the poison."
Are My Testicles Black?
An older male patient is lying in the recovery room, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgery. A young, student nurse appears with orders to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse", he mumbles, from under his mask. "Are my testicles black?" Startled by the question, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to sponge down your upper body and arms."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he’s getting agitated and could elevate his vitals over worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his Penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She then takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!, they look fine." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much, that’s wonderful, but listen, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k??"
“Nurse", he mumbles, from under his mask. "Are my testicles black?" Startled by the question, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to sponge down your upper body and arms."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he’s getting agitated and could elevate his vitals over worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his Penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She then takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!, they look fine." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much, that’s wonderful, but listen, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k??"
The Lawyer, the Farmer and the Duck
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Don't press button 3!
A truck driver after spending a long hot day on the road decides he wants to stop, clean up and catch a little rest before pressing on. As time began to pass the trucker couldn't find a truck stop until he came to a small town in San Francisco and pulls in, once inside he notices that this place is just a bit weird because it is way too Beverly Hills to be a truck stop but he stinks and wants to get a shower.
The driver approaches the desk and is greeted by a freaky looking French guy that explains they have no male rooms available but he could use a female room but he could not press button number 3 under any circumstance and the driver agrees.
Once inside he is fascinated at the room and that everything is automated so he steps in to the stall and presses:
#1 and he is instantly showered and left clean.
#2 and he gets his hair done.
#4 Receives a pedicure.
#5 Receives a manicure
#6 his old clothing is instantly cleaned and pressed.
#7 His shoes are shined.
Well as any one who is presented with temptation knows it was just too hard for him to resist pushing button #3 so he did.
The next morning the man awoke in a hospital and sees the Frenchman from the counter and asked him what the hell happened?
The French man replies they you presses button #3 after you were warned not to.
The man asked him what is button #3 anyways? The Frenchman replied it is an automatic tampon remover!
The driver approaches the desk and is greeted by a freaky looking French guy that explains they have no male rooms available but he could use a female room but he could not press button number 3 under any circumstance and the driver agrees.
Once inside he is fascinated at the room and that everything is automated so he steps in to the stall and presses:
#1 and he is instantly showered and left clean.
#2 and he gets his hair done.
#4 Receives a pedicure.
#5 Receives a manicure
#6 his old clothing is instantly cleaned and pressed.
#7 His shoes are shined.
Well as any one who is presented with temptation knows it was just too hard for him to resist pushing button #3 so he did.
The next morning the man awoke in a hospital and sees the Frenchman from the counter and asked him what the hell happened?
The French man replies they you presses button #3 after you were warned not to.
The man asked him what is button #3 anyways? The Frenchman replied it is an automatic tampon remover!
An 80 year old man
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
First Thing To Do After Long Trip
Bernie was gone for business trip for 2 weeks. The day he arrived, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
Horsing Around
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name Julie on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Julie was the name of one of the horses I wanted to be sure to bet on," he explains.
She looks satisfied and apologizes. Three days later he is again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What was that for?"
She says, "Your horse called."
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name Julie on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Julie was the name of one of the horses I wanted to be sure to bet on," he explains.
She looks satisfied and apologizes. Three days later he is again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What was that for?"
She says, "Your horse called."
A Touching Story
READ ALL THE WAY TO THE END.
A PERSONAL TESTIMONY:
"George W. Bush cost me my job, my kids and my houses"
"Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous. Times were good.
"But in the last year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad conditions. They worked very long shifts, and many even died on the job.
"This competition could hardly be called 'fair.' I was forced out of the place where I had worked for 34 years.
"Not a single government program was there to help me.
"How can Bush call himself 'compassionate?' Far worse, I lost two of my sons in Bush's evil war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get rich. My pain of losing my sons is indescribable.
"While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also lost my home. I simply have nothing left. How can Bush call himself a Christian when he neglects people like me?
"I am a senior citizen with various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career. I was reduced to the point where I had to live in a hole in a ground, all because of President Bush.
"And when the authorities found me there, did they have any compassion for my ailments? No, I was arrested.
"Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a compassionate man! I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a Christian.
"If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party. If Al Gore had been elected in 2000 I would still have a job, a home, and most importantly, my dear sons!
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein
How To Tell A Joke
A guy is visiting a small town and goes into a bar with his local friend….
It’s an old place where everyone seems to know each other. Every once in a while someone yells out a number and everyone in the bar cracks up.
“37” shouts the patron next to him.
The bar is full of laughter.
“22” calls out his friend.
People are hysterical.
“What gives?” the guy asks his friend.
“Well, you see, we’ve all been coming here for so long, we have all heard every joke several times, so much in fact that we decided to just assign numbers to them rather than bothering to retell the whole joke.”
At that point a woman says with a lilting voice “84.”
Everyone laughs as usual.
So the guy thinks he can try it too. He says “15.”
Not a sound is heard. No laughter, not even a chuckle.
One guy turns and says, “Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."
Hot Dogs for Nuns
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two hot dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their hot dogs.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "Er... What part of the dog did you get?"
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two hot dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their hot dogs.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "Er... What part of the dog did you get?"
That's An Expensive Rug!
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs. Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit your pants when you hear what the price is."
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit your pants when you hear what the price is."
Off To Hell
Agnus dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
Agnus looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams. "Oh my God," says Agnus, "now what is happening"?
"Not to worry," says St Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says Agnus, "I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Yes, but I've already got the holes for that!" says Agnus.
"Don't worry about that," says St Peter, "it's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
Agnus looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams. "Oh my God," says Agnus, "now what is happening"?
"Not to worry," says St Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says Agnus, "I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Yes, but I've already got the holes for that!" says Agnus.
Some Things You Just Can't Explain!
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain.
This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain.
This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
Kind Words From A Stranger
A rather inebriated street person approached a woman who was walking down the street with her toddler.
“Hey lady,” he yelled, “your kid is about the ugliest kid I have ever seen. My eyes hurt just looking at him.”
He wandered off and the woman started sobbing. Just then a compassionate stranger walked by, looked at her and said “What’s wrong, my dear?”
She was sobbing too much to answer.
“Don’t worry, dry your eyes with this handkerchief,” said the helpful stranger. “And here I have a banana for your pet monkey.”
“Hey lady,” he yelled, “your kid is about the ugliest kid I have ever seen. My eyes hurt just looking at him.”
He wandered off and the woman started sobbing. Just then a compassionate stranger walked by, looked at her and said “What’s wrong, my dear?”
She was sobbing too much to answer.
“Don’t worry, dry your eyes with this handkerchief,” said the helpful stranger. “And here I have a banana for your pet monkey.”
Can You Hear in Vacuum?
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Car Problem
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
Dear HR Manager
Dear HR Manager,
Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters.
With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment.
Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will
initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation.
I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Yours sincerely,
Me.
Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters.
With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment.
Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will
initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation.
I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Yours sincerely,
Me.
Your Mother Is A Whore!
A guy is sitting in a bar when a drunk approaches him and blurts, "Your mother is a whore!"
The bar gets quiet as the man just sits there and drinks his beer.
A few minutes later, the drunk comes up again to the same guy and says, "I just banged your mom and she liked it!"
Again, the man just sat there. After a while, the drunk returns and says, "Your mother likes it in the ass!"
This time the man turns to the drunk and says,
"Dad, you've had enough to drink, now go home."
The bar gets quiet as the man just sits there and drinks his beer.
A few minutes later, the drunk comes up again to the same guy and says, "I just banged your mom and she liked it!"
Again, the man just sat there. After a while, the drunk returns and says, "Your mother likes it in the ass!"
This time the man turns to the drunk and says,
"Dad, you've had enough to drink, now go home."
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Know When To Stop
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After
he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
Knows When To Stop
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot.
After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
Monday, July 17, 2006
The FLY JOKE
Fly joke (good to tell your new Date)
Four flies are trapped in a jar. There are three female flies, and one male fly. They all want to escape, but don't know how.
One of the female flies says to the male fly, "I want to escape. How do I do it?"
To which the male fly responds, "Fuck me and I'll tell you."
The female fly is puzzled, but consents to the male fly's demands.
After he has his way with her, she asks how to get out of the jar.
"Fly up to the top, and smash your head against the lid," the male fly responds.
So the female fly flies up to the top, smashes her head on the top, gets knocked out unconscious, and falls to the bottom of the jar, dead.
A second female fly asks the male, "I want to escape. How do I do it?" The Male fly responds, "Fuck me and I'll Tell you."
Again, the female fly has her doubts, but figures what has she got to lose, so she fucks the male fly, he tells her to fly up to the top of the jar and smash her head against the lid, she does this, falls to the bottom, and dies.
The third female fly asks the male how to escape, the male tells the female, "Fuck me and I'll tell you," she does, he tells her what to do, she does it, and falls to the bottom and dies.
Now, the male fly is the only alive one in the jar. He escapes.
——————————————————————–
-Now here is where the person you are telling the joke to (a boyfriend or girlfriend or someone that you want asks,
"How did he escape?" or says, "I don't get it??"
to which you respond,
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Fuck me and I'll tell you."
Twelve Priests
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.
That's when all the other bells started to ring.
Even More Boobs!
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs…
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
Learning Japanese
An American business man takes a short business trip to Japan. He arrives on a Sunday night, with meetings on that Tuesday.
Since he is in a foreign land, and is bored with nothing to do, he calls up a prostitute service. A Japanese woman arrives at the door with in the hour, and the two proceed to have sex.
The woman is on top, and the entire time she keeps repeating "hoshimoto." The man doesn't know what to think, since he doesn't understand what she's saying, but the woman appears to be having a good time, so he assumes she must be applauding his performance.
The next day, the American decides to play golf with some of the Japanese people he will be meeting with the next day. The round is relatively standard except for the 18th hole. When it is the American man's turn to drive, he hits a hole in one.
All the Japanese people start yelling in celebration, and the American doesn't know what to say, so he says the first Japanese word that pops into his head, "hoshimoto." One of the Japanese business men looks at him, and in a thick accent says:
"What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"
Erectile Dysfunction
Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to the nearest hotel. Once in the rooms, the first midget, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the fucking bed."
Little Bronze Statue
A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it.
He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back,"said the owner. The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; and I won't be bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster.Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing. He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbor as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop.
"Aha," said the owner,"You're bringing it back!"
"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there!"
Eye Sight
A guy goes to see his Optometrist and the Optometrist says, " You have to quit masturbating."
The guy says, "Why, will I go blind?"
The optometrist says, "No, but it is bothering my patients in the waiting room."
Lookin’ Good!
Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man… you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Patrick hit the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick.
So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"
A grasshopper walks into a bar…
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says
"This is the first time I've seen a grasshopper in here, do you know there's a drink named after you?"
And the grasshopper says "You're kidding! they named a drink Irving?"
"This is the first time I've seen a grasshopper in here, do you know there's a drink named after you?"
And the grasshopper says "You're kidding! they named a drink Irving?"
Mexican and Dick Cheney
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glass is so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
Then Dick Cheney, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his shotgun and shoots the Mexican, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Loud Sex vs. Quiet Sex
LOUD SEX:
A wife went to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he makes loud noices"
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
My Aunt Died....
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
Vacation time
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me.
A Short Guide to Comparative Religions
A short guide to comparative religions using faeces
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius says, "Shit Happens."
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
Seventh Day Adventist: No shit on Saturdays.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Mormon: This shit is going to happen again.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Protestantism: Let this shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you are bad.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
Christian Science: Shit is in your mind.
Atheism: Sheeeeit.; what is this shit?; No Shit.;
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
Satanism: Fuck this Shit
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius says, "Shit Happens."
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
Seventh Day Adventist: No shit on Saturdays.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Mormon: This shit is going to happen again.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Protestantism: Let this shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you are bad.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
Christian Science: Shit is in your mind.
Atheism: Sheeeeit.; what is this shit?; No Shit.;
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
Satanism: Fuck this Shit
Geography Of A Woman
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35 she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like North Korea - ruled by a dick.
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35 she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like North Korea - ruled by a dick.
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty, But Aren't
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, AREN'T:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't:
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, AREN'T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge .
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get her to drop her suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF, AREN'T:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't:
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, AREN'T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge .
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get her to drop her suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF, AREN'T:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.
Deep Thoughts - Sometimes...
Sometimes... when you cry, no one sees your tears.
Sometimes... when you are in pain, no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes... when you are worried, no one sees your stress.
Sometimes... when you are happy, no one sees your smile.
But fart just ONE TIME...!
Sometimes... when you are in pain, no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes... when you are worried, no one sees your stress.
Sometimes... when you are happy, no one sees your smile.
But fart just ONE TIME...!
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