Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Hong Kong and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old chinese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play a melody E minor and then goes into a difficult jazz improvisation for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into an up tempo jazz improvisation with his band in B flat using many complicated chords and clever harmonies and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical
expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...
" A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you..."
Friday, September 15, 2006
Drunk Driving - Virginia Style
Only a West Virginian could think of this ... from the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West Virginia. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly: "Tonight, I'm the designated 'decoy'."
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West Virginia. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly: "Tonight, I'm the designated 'decoy'."
Free Trip To Europe
A depressed young blonde woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself off the bridge. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears.
He heard her story, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The blonde nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got out of the lifeboat and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
He heard her story, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The blonde nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got out of the lifeboat and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
The Taste of Celebration
Jimbo walks into a bar and sits down and order 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender stunned by this order asks the man, what is the occasion.
Jimbo says, "I’m celebrating in a way."
The bartender asks the man what he’s celebrating.
He smiles and says, "My first Blowjob."
The bartender says, "Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I'll buy you another shot. It’s on me!"
Jimbo says, "No thanks. If 12 shots don’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
Jimbo says, "I’m celebrating in a way."
The bartender asks the man what he’s celebrating.
He smiles and says, "My first Blowjob."
The bartender says, "Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I'll buy you another shot. It’s on me!"
Jimbo says, "No thanks. If 12 shots don’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
You Are Father of My Child
A guy goes into a supermarket and while walking down one aisle, a beautiful blonde at the end of the aisle waves at him and says, "Hello".
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her. So he says "do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me?
Slightly unconfortable, she said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her. So he says "do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me?
Slightly unconfortable, she said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Another Three Wishes
A white, a black, and a mexican find a lamp, the genie grants them 3 wishes, 1 wish each.
The black says, I want the injustice to my people undone - I want all black people to be returned to Africa where they will live free, prosperous lives with no racism. POOF, it happens.
The Mexican says, I want the injustice to my people undone too - they should not have to leave beloved Mexico to find poor-paying, unappreciated manual labor in the US. Make Mexico prosperous so that all Mexicans may live at home. POOF, it happens.
The white asks the genie, "so you're telling me all the blacks are back in Africa, and all the Mexicans are back in Mexico, and it's all permanent?"
The genie says yes.
"I guess I'll just have a Coke then."
The black says, I want the injustice to my people undone - I want all black people to be returned to Africa where they will live free, prosperous lives with no racism. POOF, it happens.
The Mexican says, I want the injustice to my people undone too - they should not have to leave beloved Mexico to find poor-paying, unappreciated manual labor in the US. Make Mexico prosperous so that all Mexicans may live at home. POOF, it happens.
The white asks the genie, "so you're telling me all the blacks are back in Africa, and all the Mexicans are back in Mexico, and it's all permanent?"
The genie says yes.
"I guess I'll just have a Coke then."
The Birds and the Bees
A young female teenager runs into the house and asks her mother "Is it true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy's thingies go in?"
"Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarassing subject had finally come up and she didn't have to explain.
"Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock all my teeth out?"
"Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarassing subject had finally come up and she didn't have to explain.
"Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock all my teeth out?"
The Stamp
When George W completed five years of his Presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.
He so instructed Dick Cheney, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released, and George was pleased.
But, within a few days of release, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called Dick and ordered him to investigate the matter.
Dick checked at several post offices and then reported the problem to George.
He said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."
He so instructed Dick Cheney, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released, and George was pleased.
But, within a few days of release, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called Dick and ordered him to investigate the matter.
Dick checked at several post offices and then reported the problem to George.
He said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."
Side Effects of Budweiser
A woman walks into a bar late she hops upon a bar stool and says "give me ten Budweisers, open em all up".
The bartender serves here the Budweisers and she chugs them all down non stop. She then passes out and falls on the floor. Since it is closing time and nobody else is in the bar, the bartender shuts of the lights and has his way with her. He then throws her out the back door into the alley.
Next night the same woman comes in and its the same thing, give me ten budweisers, she chugs them all, passes out and falls on the floor. This night there are three of the bartenders buddies still there so they turn out the lights and they all have a go with her. Then they toss her out in the alley.
The third night she again comes in at closing time.
She says "give me 10 Miller Lights".
The bartender says "I thought you drank Budweisers".
She replied "no more Budweisers, they make my pussy hurt in the morning".
The bartender serves here the Budweisers and she chugs them all down non stop. She then passes out and falls on the floor. Since it is closing time and nobody else is in the bar, the bartender shuts of the lights and has his way with her. He then throws her out the back door into the alley.
Next night the same woman comes in and its the same thing, give me ten budweisers, she chugs them all, passes out and falls on the floor. This night there are three of the bartenders buddies still there so they turn out the lights and they all have a go with her. Then they toss her out in the alley.
The third night she again comes in at closing time.
She says "give me 10 Miller Lights".
The bartender says "I thought you drank Budweisers".
She replied "no more Budweisers, they make my pussy hurt in the morning".
Saturday, September 09, 2006
American History
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
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