An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye know what happens if you can catch a Leprechaun - you get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Oh, I don't want anything" the golfer answers in relief. "I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want if I were a human – a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's incredible!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't know how they ever got there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's okay".
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, occasionally twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer... "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Monday, October 09, 2006
Snow White
Snow White was desperate for a fuck
She went to the woods to try her luck.
She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"
So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"
The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"
So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.
"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.
The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.
"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."
He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"
With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"
And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.
Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.
So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.
There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up
She went to the woods to try her luck.
She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"
So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"
The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"
So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.
"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.
The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.
"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."
He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"
With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"
And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.
Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.
So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.
There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up
Friday, September 15, 2006
The Free Fridge
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50".
The next day someone stole it.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50".
The next day someone stole it.
Tequila - The Natural Cure
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.
Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.
Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila®. Leave Shyness Behind.(tm)
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.
Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.
Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila®. Leave Shyness Behind.(tm)
A Jazz Chord
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Hong Kong and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old chinese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play a melody E minor and then goes into a difficult jazz improvisation for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into an up tempo jazz improvisation with his band in B flat using many complicated chords and clever harmonies and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical
expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...
" A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you..."
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old chinese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play a melody E minor and then goes into a difficult jazz improvisation for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into an up tempo jazz improvisation with his band in B flat using many complicated chords and clever harmonies and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical
expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...
" A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you..."
Drunk Driving - Virginia Style
Only a West Virginian could think of this ... from the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West Virginia. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly: "Tonight, I'm the designated 'decoy'."
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West Virginia. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly: "Tonight, I'm the designated 'decoy'."
Free Trip To Europe
A depressed young blonde woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself off the bridge. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears.
He heard her story, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The blonde nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got out of the lifeboat and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
He heard her story, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The blonde nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got out of the lifeboat and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
The Taste of Celebration
Jimbo walks into a bar and sits down and order 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender stunned by this order asks the man, what is the occasion.
Jimbo says, "I’m celebrating in a way."
The bartender asks the man what he’s celebrating.
He smiles and says, "My first Blowjob."
The bartender says, "Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I'll buy you another shot. It’s on me!"
Jimbo says, "No thanks. If 12 shots don’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
Jimbo says, "I’m celebrating in a way."
The bartender asks the man what he’s celebrating.
He smiles and says, "My first Blowjob."
The bartender says, "Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I'll buy you another shot. It’s on me!"
Jimbo says, "No thanks. If 12 shots don’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
You Are Father of My Child
A guy goes into a supermarket and while walking down one aisle, a beautiful blonde at the end of the aisle waves at him and says, "Hello".
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her. So he says "do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me?
Slightly unconfortable, she said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her. So he says "do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me?
Slightly unconfortable, she said, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Another Three Wishes
A white, a black, and a mexican find a lamp, the genie grants them 3 wishes, 1 wish each.
The black says, I want the injustice to my people undone - I want all black people to be returned to Africa where they will live free, prosperous lives with no racism. POOF, it happens.
The Mexican says, I want the injustice to my people undone too - they should not have to leave beloved Mexico to find poor-paying, unappreciated manual labor in the US. Make Mexico prosperous so that all Mexicans may live at home. POOF, it happens.
The white asks the genie, "so you're telling me all the blacks are back in Africa, and all the Mexicans are back in Mexico, and it's all permanent?"
The genie says yes.
"I guess I'll just have a Coke then."
The black says, I want the injustice to my people undone - I want all black people to be returned to Africa where they will live free, prosperous lives with no racism. POOF, it happens.
The Mexican says, I want the injustice to my people undone too - they should not have to leave beloved Mexico to find poor-paying, unappreciated manual labor in the US. Make Mexico prosperous so that all Mexicans may live at home. POOF, it happens.
The white asks the genie, "so you're telling me all the blacks are back in Africa, and all the Mexicans are back in Mexico, and it's all permanent?"
The genie says yes.
"I guess I'll just have a Coke then."
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