Riding a Horse - a trick question

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed
On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a kangaroo, and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?!
If you don't know, see answer below.

















Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!!!

Misogynist Jokes

Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Q. Why did God invent the yeast infection?
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.

Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.

Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Q. Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A. The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A. A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.

Q. Why are women like screen doors?
A. Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.

Q. How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner?
A. Why the fuck should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!

Q. What's the most active muscle in a woman?
A. The penis.

Q. How are women like parking spaces?
A. The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

Q. What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex?
A. It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to the woman.

Q. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A. You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Q. Why do women have periods?
A. Because they deserve them.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.

Q. What do you do when the dishwasher won't work?
A. Kick her.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Six Wise, Blind Elephants

[This is a take on an old parable about 6 wise blind men trying to find what elephants are like]

Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.

The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."

The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.

Life After Retirement...

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I was in town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I walked up to him and said, "How about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So, I called him a Terrorist. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus and the car had a "Hillary for President" bumper sticker.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age.

Bright Orange Dick?

So this guy goes to the doctor for a physical. As soon as he drops his pants the doctor says,
"My word, your penis is bright orange!"

"Yeah, I know, doc, and I dunno what causes it... been like that for months."

The doctor takes a closer examination, shakes his head, and says he has never seen anything like it in his life. Then he starts asking the patient more questions, such as about his sex life ("I ain't got none, sir.") or about diseases ("None that I know of, sir.")

Finally, the doctor asks him about his daily living habits.

"Well, I go to work every day, and on the way home I always rent a video and buy a bag of Cheetos."

666 - The Number of the Best

OK, we know that 666 is the Number of the Beast
But did you know that:

$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
6, uh... what
was that number
again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one acts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
Route 666 - Highway of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National
Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

Southern Accent Can Be Confusing

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Jesus And Peter

Jesus, hanging on the cross, says, "Peter, come here."

Peter, thinking he is about to receive a profound religious truth, tries goes to Jesus but Roman soldiers push him back.

Again Jesus summons, "Peter, come here." Peter tries to, but Roman soldiers again push him away.

Jesus summons a third time, "Peter come here." Peter gathers all of his strength and finally breaks through. Bleeding from several lance wounds, Peter says, "Yes, Master?"

Jesus looks upon Peter and says, "I can see your house from here!"

Golfer and Leprechaun

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye know what happens if you can catch a Leprechaun - you get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Oh, I don't want anything" the golfer answers in relief. "I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want if I were a human – a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's incredible!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't know how they ever got there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's okay".
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, occasionally twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer... "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Snow White

Snow White was desperate for a fuck
She went to the woods to try her luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up