A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything??"
"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"
Friday, November 24, 2006
Anything for A Grade
I Will Survive - Sing Along
At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches - Lord, I almost died.
But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on. . ..
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've brought me a French fry.
I should have known that it was bull, just a sad pathetic dream;
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.
Go on now go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4.
Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out.
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?
(Chorus)
I will survive, I will survive,
'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive.
I will always have good sex
With a handful of latex,
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little willy standing tall and proud.
But to hell with all your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multi-speed.
Go on now go, just make a dash,
Last time I saw a prick that small was watching
Johnson run for hash.
I should have asked for confirmation; should have asked for referees,
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee dinky thing at me.
Go on now go, just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers 'cos I'll always throw them back.
The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours,
Is to stick it with a toothpick to dip in tomato sauce.
(Chorus)
Go on now go, get out of my sight,
I'm going back to my appliance 'cos I know its length is right.
And if I ever see your tiny willy at my door,
You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor.
Go on now - Go!
When you said you had 10 inches - Lord, I almost died.
But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on. . ..
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've brought me a French fry.
I should have known that it was bull, just a sad pathetic dream;
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.
Go on now go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4.
Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out.
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?
(Chorus)
I will survive, I will survive,
'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive.
I will always have good sex
With a handful of latex,
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little willy standing tall and proud.
But to hell with all your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multi-speed.
Go on now go, just make a dash,
Last time I saw a prick that small was watching
Johnson run for hash.
I should have asked for confirmation; should have asked for referees,
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee dinky thing at me.
Go on now go, just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers 'cos I'll always throw them back.
The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours,
Is to stick it with a toothpick to dip in tomato sauce.
(Chorus)
Go on now go, get out of my sight,
I'm going back to my appliance 'cos I know its length is right.
And if I ever see your tiny willy at my door,
You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor.
Go on now - Go!
Sofa King!
Sometime when you're at a bar, write this message on a napkin and ask your friend to read it OUT LOUD. In fact, read it out loud right now.
"I am wee Todd it. I am Sofa King wee Todd it."
"I am wee Todd it. I am Sofa King wee Todd it."
Sad News - Pillsbury Dough
Please join in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Dough boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Dough boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Dough boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Dough boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Golf and Rain
6 AM. Joe curses at his alarm clock, changes and brushes his teeth and heads out the door with his golf bag.
Its raining outside, not really heavily, but its cold and unpleasant. On the way to the golf course the rain increases in intensity and the guy says, WTF, he decides his buddies can do without him so he turns around and drives home.
Takes off his clothes and hops back into bed besides his wife.
The wife sleepily snuggles up and says, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf in that shit."
Its raining outside, not really heavily, but its cold and unpleasant. On the way to the golf course the rain increases in intensity and the guy says, WTF, he decides his buddies can do without him so he turns around and drives home.
Takes off his clothes and hops back into bed besides his wife.
The wife sleepily snuggles up and says, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf in that shit."
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Halloween Joke
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills the cabdriver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?""Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills the cabdriver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?""Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
My Dog Named Sex
When I went to the city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny--I have the same problem."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV."
He said, "Now that cable is all over the place it's no big deal anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny--I have the same problem."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV."
He said, "Now that cable is all over the place it's no big deal anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex.
The Truck Stop
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hells Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
Ode to Oral Sex
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yucky stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yucky stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Rules for Indoor Golf
Rules for Indoor Golf
1.Each player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2.Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3.Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4.For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft before play begins.
5.Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6.The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7.It is usually considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced player will normally admire the entire course with special attention paid to well formed bunkers.
8.Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9.Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, especially on a different course being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to get irate if they find someone else playing what they considered to be their own private course.
10.Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is temporarily under repair and the player is advised to use
tact in this determination. However, advanced players will
find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11.It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
12.Course owners shall be the sole judge of who is the best player.
13.Players are not permitted to tee off on the back nine without permission of the course owner.
14. If your ball lands in the rough, there may be a multi-stroke penalty.
15. All equipment should be thoroughly cleaned before and after play.
16. At no time may you land any equipment in a water hazard without invitation.
17. A supplemental guide to handicapping may be issued later.
League rules
Adventurous players may establish a private league. Some of the league rules include:
1. Members of the league may elect to play multiple courses in a single round. This is only permitted if all course owners agree.
2. Teams may be established, however tee order is up to the course owner(s).
3. If you are having equipment difficulties, you should allow other league players to continue until your equipment is at playing standard. In league play you may request assistance in equipment maintenance if you choose.
4. If the course owner allows, multiple team member may play any combination of designated holes, simultaneously. However course owner rules must be followed or the offending team member(s) may have their equipment taken out of play and be removed from the league.
5. Protective gear is recommended in single play. It is mandatory in league play.
6. Scoring is optional, however successful player will score every time.
1.Each player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2.Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3.Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4.For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft before play begins.
5.Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6.The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7.It is usually considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced player will normally admire the entire course with special attention paid to well formed bunkers.
8.Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9.Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, especially on a different course being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to get irate if they find someone else playing what they considered to be their own private course.
10.Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is temporarily under repair and the player is advised to use
tact in this determination. However, advanced players will
find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11.It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
12.Course owners shall be the sole judge of who is the best player.
13.Players are not permitted to tee off on the back nine without permission of the course owner.
14. If your ball lands in the rough, there may be a multi-stroke penalty.
15. All equipment should be thoroughly cleaned before and after play.
16. At no time may you land any equipment in a water hazard without invitation.
17. A supplemental guide to handicapping may be issued later.
League rules
Adventurous players may establish a private league. Some of the league rules include:
1. Members of the league may elect to play multiple courses in a single round. This is only permitted if all course owners agree.
2. Teams may be established, however tee order is up to the course owner(s).
3. If you are having equipment difficulties, you should allow other league players to continue until your equipment is at playing standard. In league play you may request assistance in equipment maintenance if you choose.
4. If the course owner allows, multiple team member may play any combination of designated holes, simultaneously. However course owner rules must be followed or the offending team member(s) may have their equipment taken out of play and be removed from the league.
5. Protective gear is recommended in single play. It is mandatory in league play.
6. Scoring is optional, however successful player will score every time.
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