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In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam!)
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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of .... ?)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
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Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
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Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
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And, the best for last:
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
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Friday, November 24, 2006
Mr. Penis Requests a Promotion
Mr. Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
- has to work hard
- has to work at great depths
- has to work upside down
- has no ventilation or air conditioned work environment
- has to work in a high humidity environment
- has to work at high temperatures
- does not get weekends and holidays off
- does not get time off after extra hours of work
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes illness
Management Reply:
- Request denied ------- for the following reasons
- does not work 8 hours straight during any work period
- does not answer immediately to all requests
- coworkers often unsatisfied by job performance
- after a short activity period, falls asleep
- shows no evidence of fidelity at the workplace
- works better alone than with others
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
- sometimes leaves work too early
- has to work hard
- has to work at great depths
- has to work upside down
- has no ventilation or air conditioned work environment
- has to work in a high humidity environment
- has to work at high temperatures
- does not get weekends and holidays off
- does not get time off after extra hours of work
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes illness
Management Reply:
- Request denied ------- for the following reasons
- does not work 8 hours straight during any work period
- does not answer immediately to all requests
- coworkers often unsatisfied by job performance
- after a short activity period, falls asleep
- shows no evidence of fidelity at the workplace
- works better alone than with others
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
- sometimes leaves work too early
Sex - Saudi Style
Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding meet with their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
Of course!," replies the Mullah, "Alla ho Akber! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Alla ho Akber! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Alla ho Akber. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Alla ho Akber!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Alla ho Akber!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Alla ho Akber!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing."
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
Of course!," replies the Mullah, "Alla ho Akber! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Alla ho Akber! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Alla ho Akber. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Alla ho Akber!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Alla ho Akber!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Alla ho Akber!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing."
Physicist at a Bar
Every Friday afternoon, a theoretical physicist goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.
The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the physicist makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"
The physicist replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."
The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."
The physicist laughs. "Yeah, right -- how fucking likely is THAT to happen?"
The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the physicist makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"
The physicist replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."
The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."
The physicist laughs. "Yeah, right -- how fucking likely is THAT to happen?"
Anything for A Grade
A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything??"
"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"
I Will Survive - Sing Along
At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches - Lord, I almost died.
But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on. . ..
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've brought me a French fry.
I should have known that it was bull, just a sad pathetic dream;
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.
Go on now go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4.
Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out.
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?
(Chorus)
I will survive, I will survive,
'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive.
I will always have good sex
With a handful of latex,
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little willy standing tall and proud.
But to hell with all your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multi-speed.
Go on now go, just make a dash,
Last time I saw a prick that small was watching
Johnson run for hash.
I should have asked for confirmation; should have asked for referees,
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee dinky thing at me.
Go on now go, just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers 'cos I'll always throw them back.
The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours,
Is to stick it with a toothpick to dip in tomato sauce.
(Chorus)
Go on now go, get out of my sight,
I'm going back to my appliance 'cos I know its length is right.
And if I ever see your tiny willy at my door,
You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor.
Go on now - Go!
When you said you had 10 inches - Lord, I almost died.
But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on. . ..
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've brought me a French fry.
I should have known that it was bull, just a sad pathetic dream;
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.
Go on now go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4.
Weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out.
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?
(Chorus)
I will survive, I will survive,
'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive.
I will always have good sex
With a handful of latex,
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little willy standing tall and proud.
But to hell with all your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multi-speed.
Go on now go, just make a dash,
Last time I saw a prick that small was watching
Johnson run for hash.
I should have asked for confirmation; should have asked for referees,
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee dinky thing at me.
Go on now go, just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers 'cos I'll always throw them back.
The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours,
Is to stick it with a toothpick to dip in tomato sauce.
(Chorus)
Go on now go, get out of my sight,
I'm going back to my appliance 'cos I know its length is right.
And if I ever see your tiny willy at my door,
You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor.
Go on now - Go!
Sofa King!
Sometime when you're at a bar, write this message on a napkin and ask your friend to read it OUT LOUD. In fact, read it out loud right now.
"I am wee Todd it. I am Sofa King wee Todd it."
"I am wee Todd it. I am Sofa King wee Todd it."
Sad News - Pillsbury Dough
Please join in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Dough boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Dough boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Dough boy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Dough boy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Dough boy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Dough boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Golf and Rain
6 AM. Joe curses at his alarm clock, changes and brushes his teeth and heads out the door with his golf bag.
Its raining outside, not really heavily, but its cold and unpleasant. On the way to the golf course the rain increases in intensity and the guy says, WTF, he decides his buddies can do without him so he turns around and drives home.
Takes off his clothes and hops back into bed besides his wife.
The wife sleepily snuggles up and says, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf in that shit."
Its raining outside, not really heavily, but its cold and unpleasant. On the way to the golf course the rain increases in intensity and the guy says, WTF, he decides his buddies can do without him so he turns around and drives home.
Takes off his clothes and hops back into bed besides his wife.
The wife sleepily snuggles up and says, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf in that shit."
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Halloween Joke
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills the cabdriver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?""Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills the cabdriver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?""Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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