Just For Thanksgiving!!

It was thanksgiving and people were coming over. Little Johnny's dad was cooking and found he needed a quick trip to convenience store.
Little Johnny saw two ladies bumped into one another in front of them. The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch!" yelled the one lady.

Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You hag!"

Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are hags and bitches?"

"Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad.

"Oh, okay," said Johnny.

The two make it home and Little Johnny goes to his mom to watch her apply makeup readying for the party. While putting on lipstick, her hand moves and bit and lipstick spreads. "Shit!" she blurted.

"Mom, what's shit?" asked Little Johnny.

"Oh, that's just another name for applying makeup," replied his mother.

Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his dad cooking a turkey. As his dad reached into the oven, he burnt his hand. "Fuck!" he yells.

"Dad, what's fuck?" questioned Johnny.

"That's just another word for cooking the turkey."

"Oh, I get it," said Johnny.

All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.

"Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady.

"Hello hags and bitches. My mom's upstairs shitting herself and my dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

The old ladies fainted!

Skydiving

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked, "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

The jump instructor answered, "The rest of your life."

Double dose of Viagra...

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will
be here on Saturday. My wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I
must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you
have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there
are any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling. The doctor
asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up

Queers in a Shower

Two queers were taking a shower with each other. The phone rings and Lance says to Rod, "I will be right back darling, so don't start without me!"
After a minute or so Lance comes back, and sees sperm splattered all over the shower wall.
"I thought I told you not to start without me!" he squealed.
"Oh, just relax!" replied Rod, "I didn't start without you, I just farted!"

Can't Really Win

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Homosexual in a Zoo

Two queers were visiting the zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable to contain himself the first queer reaches inside the cage to touch the huge cock. As soon as arm goes into the cage the gorilla grabs him, takes him into the cage, slams him on the floor and fucks him senseless.

A few days later in hospital the first queer's boyfriend visits him and said, "Does it hurt?"

"Hurt? Hurt?" cried the faggot, "Of course it hurts. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written........!"

Socrates Is In Prison ....

Socrates is pacing back and forth in his jail cell.
A servant comes to the cell with a cup full of hemlock and gives it to Socrates. He takes it, sits back and relaxes for a minute and drinks it up, then he looks at the servant and asks,
"So, what's the verdict?".

Jesus - and the Adultress

JESUS came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death. Jesus said: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.”

An old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The young lady collapsed dead.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: “Do you know, mother, sometimes you really piss me off.”

What Men Mean - Translations for Women

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Translations for Men - What Women Mean

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends