Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pincher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Wave the Towel
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
POW In Germany
During WWII a fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and
was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so the
German doctor amputated his arm. The pilot requested that they
drop his arm over his base in England. The Germans, in a rare
display of respect, did.
Then next week they amputated his other arm and he asked for
the same thing. Again, the Germans complied.
The week after that they amputated his leg, and he again asked
for them to drop it over his base in England.
The German general replied, "Nein, Ve do dis no more!"
The pilot asked, "Why not?"
The German answered, "Ve tink you trying to escape!"
was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad so the
German doctor amputated his arm. The pilot requested that they
drop his arm over his base in England. The Germans, in a rare
display of respect, did.
Then next week they amputated his other arm and he asked for
the same thing. Again, the Germans complied.
The week after that they amputated his leg, and he again asked
for them to drop it over his base in England.
The German general replied, "Nein, Ve do dis no more!"
The pilot asked, "Why not?"
The German answered, "Ve tink you trying to escape!"
Black Powder
A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."
"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Do you have a peach?"
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."
"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Do you have a peach?"
The Little House
In Mexico the guys often have a main wife and a second one and they supposedly don't know about each other.
The Senora is mad at her ole' man and says, "Don't think I don't know about your other wife in the little house?"
"Whatcha talkin' bout? This the little house." he answers.
The Senora is mad at her ole' man and says, "Don't think I don't know about your other wife in the little house?"
"Whatcha talkin' bout? This the little house." he answers.
Strawberry?
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Sensitive Document
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
The CEO said with a worried expression, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Thank you so much!" said the CEO. "I need two copies."
The CEO said with a worried expression, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Sure," said the young executive, eager to gain points with the big wig. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Thank you so much!" said the CEO. "I need two copies."
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
The Truck Driver and The Cowboy
A guy is driving his truck down the road one day, and he sees a cowboy waving him down on the side of the road. As he pulls up to him, the cowboy pulls out a huge gun, points it at him, and yells "Get out of the car right now!"
Scared out of his wits, the driver gets out of the car where the cowboy leads him off the road a bit. The cowboy, still frantically pointing the gun at him, yells "I want you to beat off!"
"What?!?!?"
The Cowboy sticks the gun in his nose and yells "You heard me, now beat off!" The guy reluctantly complies. He's about to zip-up and the cowboy yells "Do it again!!!!"
"Huh?"
"Do it again, or I'll blow your head off!!!!"
The guy struggles and manages to do it again. As he completes it, the cowboy yells "Again!!!!".
The guy says "There's no way!"
"Do it or your dead!"
He struggles and struggles, gets it up, and manages to get a little drop out. Totally exhausted, he's laying there on the ground. The cowboy turns his head to the left and whistles real loud. I drop-dead gorgeous girl steps out from behind a rock and starts walking over.
The cowboy pushes his hat back on his head and says "Gee, Mister, would you give my sister a ride into town?"
Scared out of his wits, the driver gets out of the car where the cowboy leads him off the road a bit. The cowboy, still frantically pointing the gun at him, yells "I want you to beat off!"
"What?!?!?"
The Cowboy sticks the gun in his nose and yells "You heard me, now beat off!" The guy reluctantly complies. He's about to zip-up and the cowboy yells "Do it again!!!!"
"Huh?"
"Do it again, or I'll blow your head off!!!!"
The guy struggles and manages to do it again. As he completes it, the cowboy yells "Again!!!!".
The guy says "There's no way!"
"Do it or your dead!"
He struggles and struggles, gets it up, and manages to get a little drop out. Totally exhausted, he's laying there on the ground. The cowboy turns his head to the left and whistles real loud. I drop-dead gorgeous girl steps out from behind a rock and starts walking over.
The cowboy pushes his hat back on his head and says "Gee, Mister, would you give my sister a ride into town?"
Pinocchio
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they had sex. Pinocchio therefore went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
Female Prayer
Now as I lay down to go to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose thingy is thick and long!
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens the door,
Massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask " how big's my behind?"
One who will make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the shower, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no-end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the jackass you sent me instead!
A-Man
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose thingy is thick and long!
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens the door,
Massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask " how big's my behind?"
One who will make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the shower, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no-end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the jackass you sent me instead!
A-Man
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