A guy is driving his truck down the road one day, and he sees a cowboy waving him down on the side of the road. As he pulls up to him, the cowboy pulls out a huge gun, points it at him, and yells "Get out of the car right now!"
Scared out of his wits, the driver gets out of the car where the cowboy leads him off the road a bit. The cowboy, still frantically pointing the gun at him, yells "I want you to beat off!"
"What?!?!?"
The Cowboy sticks the gun in his nose and yells "You heard me, now beat off!" The guy reluctantly complies. He's about to zip-up and the cowboy yells "Do it again!!!!"
"Huh?"
"Do it again, or I'll blow your head off!!!!"
The guy struggles and manages to do it again. As he completes it, the cowboy yells "Again!!!!".
The guy says "There's no way!"
"Do it or your dead!"
He struggles and struggles, gets it up, and manages to get a little drop out. Totally exhausted, he's laying there on the ground. The cowboy turns his head to the left and whistles real loud. I drop-dead gorgeous girl steps out from behind a rock and starts walking over.
The cowboy pushes his hat back on his head and says "Gee, Mister, would you give my sister a ride into town?"
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Pinocchio
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they had sex. Pinocchio therefore went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
Female Prayer
Now as I lay down to go to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose thingy is thick and long!
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens the door,
Massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask " how big's my behind?"
One who will make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the shower, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no-end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the jackass you sent me instead!
A-Man
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose thingy is thick and long!
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens the door,
Massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask " how big's my behind?"
One who will make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the shower, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no-end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the jackass you sent me instead!
A-Man
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Missing Rooster
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Many Years After Marriage....
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
Jamaican Sandals
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners ! Come in. Come into my humble shop !" So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak ?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years ! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet ! You got dem on the wrong feet!!"
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak ?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years ! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet ! You got dem on the wrong feet!!"
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Just For Thanksgiving!!
It was thanksgiving and people were coming over. Little Johnny's dad was cooking and found he needed a quick trip to convenience store.
Little Johnny saw two ladies bumped into one another in front of them. The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch!" yelled the one lady.
Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You hag!"
Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are hags and bitches?"
"Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad.
"Oh, okay," said Johnny.
The two make it home and Little Johnny goes to his mom to watch her apply makeup readying for the party. While putting on lipstick, her hand moves and bit and lipstick spreads. "Shit!" she blurted.
"Mom, what's shit?" asked Little Johnny.
"Oh, that's just another name for applying makeup," replied his mother.
Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his dad cooking a turkey. As his dad reached into the oven, he burnt his hand. "Fuck!" he yells.
"Dad, what's fuck?" questioned Johnny.
"That's just another word for cooking the turkey."
"Oh, I get it," said Johnny.
All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.
"Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady.
"Hello hags and bitches. My mom's upstairs shitting herself and my dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"
The old ladies fainted!
Little Johnny saw two ladies bumped into one another in front of them. The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch!" yelled the one lady.
Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You hag!"
Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are hags and bitches?"
"Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad.
"Oh, okay," said Johnny.
The two make it home and Little Johnny goes to his mom to watch her apply makeup readying for the party. While putting on lipstick, her hand moves and bit and lipstick spreads. "Shit!" she blurted.
"Mom, what's shit?" asked Little Johnny.
"Oh, that's just another name for applying makeup," replied his mother.
Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his dad cooking a turkey. As his dad reached into the oven, he burnt his hand. "Fuck!" he yells.
"Dad, what's fuck?" questioned Johnny.
"That's just another word for cooking the turkey."
"Oh, I get it," said Johnny.
All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.
"Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady.
"Hello hags and bitches. My mom's upstairs shitting herself and my dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"
The old ladies fainted!
Friday, November 24, 2006
Skydiving
The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked, "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
The jump instructor answered, "The rest of your life."
The jump instructor answered, "The rest of your life."
Double dose of Viagra...
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will
be here on Saturday. My wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I
must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you
have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there
are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling. The doctor
asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will
be here on Saturday. My wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I
must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you
have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there
are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling. The doctor
asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up
Queers in a Shower
Two queers were taking a shower with each other. The phone rings and Lance says to Rod, "I will be right back darling, so don't start without me!"
After a minute or so Lance comes back, and sees sperm splattered all over the shower wall.
"I thought I told you not to start without me!" he squealed.
"Oh, just relax!" replied Rod, "I didn't start without you, I just farted!"
After a minute or so Lance comes back, and sees sperm splattered all over the shower wall.
"I thought I told you not to start without me!" he squealed.
"Oh, just relax!" replied Rod, "I didn't start without you, I just farted!"
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