The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 150,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 250,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's Rancho."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own 40 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "40 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
The little old Jewish man says, "Downtown Dallas."
Friday, August 18, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Nuts!
What do you have if you have nuts on the wall?
Walnuts!
What do you have if you have nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts!
What do you have if you have nuts on your chin?
Chin nuts?
no, you'd have a cock in your mouth!
Walnuts!
What do you have if you have nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts!
What do you have if you have nuts on your chin?
Chin nuts?
no, you'd have a cock in your mouth!
Wanna Buy a Tie?
A fleeing Hezbullah guerrilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
Friday, August 11, 2006
State Trooper Balls
I was comin home one day and a cop pulled me over. When the cop got to my window I asked him if he was writing me a ticket. He just kind of looked at me and then said "YES".
I was like "oh... it's nice of you to give me a ticket to the state trooper party thet you're having". Again he looked at me funny and then said "What?" and I said "The ball! I was just sayin thanks for invinting me to the ball"
The cop stared at me for a second with a half ass confused look on his face and then said "What are you talking about?!
State troopers don't have balls!"
To this I replied "Oh really?! You guys don't?! God your wives must hate that!".
After Saying this, the cop stared at me for a few seconds with a strange twisted up kind of face, then turned around, walked back to his car, got in, and drove off
I was like "oh... it's nice of you to give me a ticket to the state trooper party thet you're having". Again he looked at me funny and then said "What?" and I said "The ball! I was just sayin thanks for invinting me to the ball"
The cop stared at me for a second with a half ass confused look on his face and then said "What are you talking about?!
State troopers don't have balls!"
To this I replied "Oh really?! You guys don't?! God your wives must hate that!".
After Saying this, the cop stared at me for a few seconds with a strange twisted up kind of face, then turned around, walked back to his car, got in, and drove off
George Burns & Oprah's Sexual Escapades...
When the late George Burns turned 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
She said," Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."
Mr Burns said," I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."
Oprah said," I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."
George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it."
Oprah said, " I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.
George said," The second time is even better than the first time.”
Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. During that time just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!"
George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."
Oprah said,"Does my holding you like that kind of recharge you batteries?"
George said, "Oh No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman, she stole my wallet.
She said," Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."
Mr Burns said," I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."
Oprah said," I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."
George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it."
Oprah said, " I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.
George said," The second time is even better than the first time.”
Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. During that time just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!"
George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."
Oprah said,"Does my holding you like that kind of recharge you batteries?"
George said, "Oh No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman, she stole my wallet.
Living Or Dead
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
A Buck for Your Duck
A young boy just turning 12 was handed a dollar by his father who told him to take it to the fancy house 3 blocks away and give it to the lady at the door. When she asks what is this for, tell her its your birthday and she will give you the best present ever.
So the young boy headed of with his buck and met a man who had a duck. The man with the duck said I will give you this duck for that buck, so the boy traded the buck for a duck.
When the boy arrived at the fancy house he knocked and was greeted by a lovely young lady. The lady asked what he needed and the young boy replied, Today is my birthday and my father gave me a buck and sent me here for my present. Along the way I met a man and traded my buck this duck because I like this duck more then that old buck.
The lady replied well son come on in and bring the duck. She led him to a room and striped and said, for your birthday you shall receive a fuck but it was to cost a buck, but since you only have a duck it will cost you a duck for a great fuck.
When they were done the lady said that was the best fuck she had had, so she said, I will give you back the duck I took for a fuck if you will give me a fuck for that duck. The boy replied of course i will give you a fuck for that duck.
On the way home the boy met a weird old man who asked what he was doing with a duck and offered the boy a buck if he could fuck his duck. So the boy took the buck and watched the duck get a fuck.
When the boy arrived home his father asked him what he thought of his present and the boy replied At first I was unsure why you gave me a buck but now I am glad you gave me a buck."
The boys father asked him well what did you get for the buck? The boy replied;
I got a duck for buck, a fuck for a duck and a duck for a fuck and a buck for one very fucked up duck.
So the young boy headed of with his buck and met a man who had a duck. The man with the duck said I will give you this duck for that buck, so the boy traded the buck for a duck.
When the boy arrived at the fancy house he knocked and was greeted by a lovely young lady. The lady asked what he needed and the young boy replied, Today is my birthday and my father gave me a buck and sent me here for my present. Along the way I met a man and traded my buck this duck because I like this duck more then that old buck.
The lady replied well son come on in and bring the duck. She led him to a room and striped and said, for your birthday you shall receive a fuck but it was to cost a buck, but since you only have a duck it will cost you a duck for a great fuck.
When they were done the lady said that was the best fuck she had had, so she said, I will give you back the duck I took for a fuck if you will give me a fuck for that duck. The boy replied of course i will give you a fuck for that duck.
On the way home the boy met a weird old man who asked what he was doing with a duck and offered the boy a buck if he could fuck his duck. So the boy took the buck and watched the duck get a fuck.
When the boy arrived home his father asked him what he thought of his present and the boy replied At first I was unsure why you gave me a buck but now I am glad you gave me a buck."
The boys father asked him well what did you get for the buck? The boy replied;
I got a duck for buck, a fuck for a duck and a duck for a fuck and a buck for one very fucked up duck.
A Nun And A Priest Were .....
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here."
"Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here."
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Moses!
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"
The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses."
The Secret Service agent asked "Then why dont you reply to Mr. President?"
The man leaned over and said, "The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil!"
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"
The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses."
The Secret Service agent asked "Then why dont you reply to Mr. President?"
The man leaned over and said, "The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil!"
One Behind Me
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."
He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."
He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."
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