While walking through the woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well,OK..."
So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,
"Cupcake, this just ain't gonna be your day..."
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Ethics Training
Little Johnny Epstein asks his dad about ethics
"Dad, the teacher mentioned a word today: 'ethical.' What does that mean?"
"Well, Johnny, you know that I run a clothing store with my partner, Saul, right?"
"Right."
"Well, if a customer came in and paid $19 for an article, and he handed me a twenty dollar bill, but when I placed it in the register I found out it was two twenty dollar bills that came unstuck..."
"Mm-hmm."
"Well, 'ethical' is whether I tell Saul about it or not."
"Dad, the teacher mentioned a word today: 'ethical.' What does that mean?"
"Well, Johnny, you know that I run a clothing store with my partner, Saul, right?"
"Right."
"Well, if a customer came in and paid $19 for an article, and he handed me a twenty dollar bill, but when I placed it in the register I found out it was two twenty dollar bills that came unstuck..."
"Mm-hmm."
"Well, 'ethical' is whether I tell Saul about it or not."
Monday, August 21, 2006
Dating Rituals..
CATHOLIC WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary
position.
IRISH WOMEN
First date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN
First date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti
and meatballs.
Third date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN
First date: You get dynamite head.
Second date: You get more great head.
Third date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second date: She's pregnant.
Third date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father,his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins,
her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in ... and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
KOREAN GIRL
First date: Buy her a Louis Vuitton bag. Get bitched at because it's not a Dolce & Gabana bag. Buy her Chanel sunglasses to make up for it.
Second date: After you pay for an expensive meal, she asks you why you didn't bring her a present. She hates you. She smells like perfume and rotten cabbage when she yells at you.
Third date: Most lousy head ever. Demands a 3 bedroom house, a mercedes, and a 3-carat diamond.
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary
position.
IRISH WOMEN
First date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN
First date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti
and meatballs.
Third date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN
First date: You get dynamite head.
Second date: You get more great head.
Third date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second date: She's pregnant.
Third date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father,his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins,
her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in ... and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
KOREAN GIRL
First date: Buy her a Louis Vuitton bag. Get bitched at because it's not a Dolce & Gabana bag. Buy her Chanel sunglasses to make up for it.
Second date: After you pay for an expensive meal, she asks you why you didn't bring her a present. She hates you. She smells like perfume and rotten cabbage when she yells at you.
Third date: Most lousy head ever. Demands a 3 bedroom house, a mercedes, and a 3-carat diamond.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
Music Humor - a joke for musicians
Wherever You Find Four Musicians You Are Sure to Find a Fifth C, E-flat and G go into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're a minor and the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suite with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development."
Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental.
The judge rules that all contrary motions are bassless.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're a minor and the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suite with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development."
Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental.
The judge rules that all contrary motions are bassless.
The Most Venomous Snake In The World
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Texas Talk!
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 150,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 250,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's Rancho."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own 40 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "40 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
The little old Jewish man says, "Downtown Dallas."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 250,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's Rancho."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own 40 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "40 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
The little old Jewish man says, "Downtown Dallas."
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Nuts!
What do you have if you have nuts on the wall?
Walnuts!
What do you have if you have nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts!
What do you have if you have nuts on your chin?
Chin nuts?
no, you'd have a cock in your mouth!
Walnuts!
What do you have if you have nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts!
What do you have if you have nuts on your chin?
Chin nuts?
no, you'd have a cock in your mouth!
Wanna Buy a Tie?
A fleeing Hezbullah guerrilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
Friday, August 11, 2006
State Trooper Balls
I was comin home one day and a cop pulled me over. When the cop got to my window I asked him if he was writing me a ticket. He just kind of looked at me and then said "YES".
I was like "oh... it's nice of you to give me a ticket to the state trooper party thet you're having". Again he looked at me funny and then said "What?" and I said "The ball! I was just sayin thanks for invinting me to the ball"
The cop stared at me for a second with a half ass confused look on his face and then said "What are you talking about?!
State troopers don't have balls!"
To this I replied "Oh really?! You guys don't?! God your wives must hate that!".
After Saying this, the cop stared at me for a few seconds with a strange twisted up kind of face, then turned around, walked back to his car, got in, and drove off
I was like "oh... it's nice of you to give me a ticket to the state trooper party thet you're having". Again he looked at me funny and then said "What?" and I said "The ball! I was just sayin thanks for invinting me to the ball"
The cop stared at me for a second with a half ass confused look on his face and then said "What are you talking about?!
State troopers don't have balls!"
To this I replied "Oh really?! You guys don't?! God your wives must hate that!".
After Saying this, the cop stared at me for a few seconds with a strange twisted up kind of face, then turned around, walked back to his car, got in, and drove off
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